It’s not a phrase most of us throw easily into our daily conversation.  Yet, ambiguity confronts just about everyone in this 21st Century.  We have ambiguity tolerance when we can live our life fully even though everything around us is in disarray. In other words, we are ambiguity tolerant when we live without clarity, when we live with uncertainty and, even still, we continue to thrive and enjoy our lives. 

With economic turbulence, political strife, even earthquakes and crazy weather patterns all over the globe, we've never needed ambiguity tolerance more - just to get on with our lives.

The late Don Baiocchi advised his clients of their need for ambiguity tolerance.  He went further, speculating that a person’s level of ambiguity tolerance might even forecast future success as an executive.  For Baiocchi, ambiguity tolerance would be an imperative for 21st Century executives.  Sadly, he didn’t survive into this century to discover that change across our nation and around our world has made ambiguity tolerance a necessary characteristic for everyone. For full disclosure, Don Baiocchi was my husband and it's nice to mention his great work now and again.  I apologize to him for the liberties I’ve taken with this part of his work!

Let’s think about how this applies to daily living. In everyday life, we often have a long list of issues or concerns or problems or challenges to manage.  Our list isn't just about us, it's also about those who are dearest to us. Our goal is to manage the challenges while also living fully.  We may be worrying over our parent's forgetfulness or our child's struggle at school.  We may be staying close to a friend who is just completing chemo or our spouse who is worried for their job.  Then, of course, there’s another food recall, the car that needs new tires and the worrisome crack in the dining room wall.  These are ordinary, everyday worries and few of them are in our control.

Our ability to manage the challenges in our lives while also living our daily life fully is a measure of our ambiguity tolerance.  It’s all a matter of degree.  Some people function easily even when there is a lot of uncertainty in their life.  Others experience uncertainty and change as a shock to their system; for these people, it's tough to carrying on with daily life.

If you believe you have a low tolerance for ambiguity, consider adding systems in your life.  Acknowledging that uncertainty is unsettling is an important first step.  The next step is to figure out what will make uncertainty easier for you.  Many people confront change and uncertainty by figuring out a system.  Ask yourself what you can do to find a path when no path seems to exist. Recognize your personal preferences and style in the ways you choose to manage ambiguity.  Then, set up the system.  Perhaps you’ll decide to do some research.  You might read about living in the present moment in Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.  You may enlist others to help you develop a plan. 

When you have a plan for strengthening your ambiguity tolerance, you’ll discover that uncertainty is a smaller cloud, that you are more at ease with your life.  You'll find that while you can't be in control of every facet of your life, the uncertainties are taking less of a toll. 

We’re each in charge.  We’re in command of our own life and our own happiness.  That’s nice, we think.  But, what does that really mean?  Instead, just tell me what I have to do to be happy.  My plate is loaded.  If I’m in charge, what do I need to do?    

Many of us don’t exactly know what to do to grow our sense of well-being.

The art of happiness is including activities that make you happy in your daily life.  Just as important, things that make you happy need not be extravagant.  Often, the things that increase our sense of well-being are very simple.

Our lives are loaded with things we must do.  Work, family commitments, commuting, school, social commitments, volunteer activity, child rearing, homemaking, house cleaning.  How do we fit our happiness into an otherwise busy day?

To begin, shape the things you must-do in ways that make you happy.  Before you think that’s a lot of quackery, let’s think of how we might do it.  Many fill their commute time with music or reading – both are happiness inducing activities.  To up the experience, you might change what you listen to or read to something you want to learn.

Perhaps you don’t enjoy your job though you enjoy your co-workers.  Make your lunch or break time with your co-workers satisfying.  Savoring those good sensations will energize you for your working time.  Or, during your breaks and lunch, take an energizing walk.

For moms who shuttle their children to and from their many activities, load the CD player with music you enjoy.  Or, play an audio book – your library has a great collection of audio books.  Use your time in ways that satisfy you.  On the other hand, be aware; don’t become so engrossed that you miss a pick-up or make a driving error.  At each pick-up or drop-off, your happy glow will be ready for each child – because you’ll have been doing something for yourself.

Let’s get to it.  What can you do that is found to increase happiness? 

The basics

Positive psychologists study what makes life good.  Their research shows these techniques as basic to daily well-being.  Exercise, sleep and good nutrition head the list.  Without these, our well-being is in jeopardy.

It’s not necessary or advisable to make a practice of every one of the ideas beyond exercise, sleep and nutrition.  Instead, this list will give you ideas for the daily practices that are right for you.

Exercise, sleep and good nutrition.  These are basic and necessary for everyone’s well-being. 

Three good things.  Count your blessings.  How was your day?  According to your personal preference, one of these is a positive exercise at the end of your day.  Many people enjoy this practice right before turning out the lights at night.  It’s found to induce good rest. 

What is it?  At a time in your day, each day, name three good things that happened during the day.  Or, count your blessings of the day.  Or, enumerate the good and not-so-good aspects of the day.  You may choose to write your daily review in a notebook you keep handy.  That way, you can look back over time.

Researchers have found that the daily practice of counting three good things or your blessings has a lasting positive impact on individual happiness and sense of well-being.

Gratitude journal.  Here you’ll make daily journal entries, noting all the aspects of your day that make you grateful.  Some days, your list will be long; other days may be more difficult.  If you are confronted by a tough day, look around you.  Is there a tree or flower for which you can be grateful.  What about a tasty cup of coffee?

Your gratitude list may include the smallest, simplest parts to a day.  Those who write daily in their gratitude journal are found to experience long-term positive sense of well-being.  Gratitude is a basic happiness building block.

Random acts of kindness.  Quite literally, this refers to extending a kindness to another for no particular reason.  There are many examples.  When in their car, waiting in line to pay a toll or to pick up cleaning, some people pay for the person behind them as well.  Over recent holidays, some people have paid for all the lay-away items at a store.

But it’s not just about money.  Stopping by with a freshly baked pie or lending a hand to someone who appears to be struggling can be a random act of kindness.  It may be something you do for a co-worker or a classmate.  You may know the person but you may remain anonymous.  Naturally, don’t put yourself in harm’s way.

How do random acts of kindness contribute to your state of happiness?  Again, research tells the story.  Doing something for another person, sparks a positive internal response.  Both the mental process needed to think of the idea and making the actual kindness happen engenders a positive sense of well-being.

Smile!  Smiles activate an inner calm.  When you smile in the presence of others, you are offering a warm greeting that tends to draw people in.  At the least, your smile will not send them away. 

Think about smiling for yourself.  When you smile just for yourself, you change your inner dialog.  You warm yourself.  When you need a moment to refresh during your day, stop and smile – smile just for yourself.  You don’t need to see your smile, you’ll feel it.  And, of course, smile at yourself as you pass by a mirror or your reflection in a window.

Beyond the Basics

What makes you happy may not be the same as your dearest friend.  This list includes only a few of the practices known to be the source of well-being and happiness.  That doesn’t mean each entry is necessary.  Our purpose is to provide enough ideas to spark your ideas.  You are your own personal expert.  You’ll recognize what works for you in your life.

Gratitude letter.  Write a letter of gratitude to someone who has special meaning in your life.  Then, deliver the letter to that person, sharing why you are grateful for them.  As said earlier, gratitude is basic to a sense of well-being.

Gift of your time.  Give of yourself for others.  You may choose to visit a sick friend or an aging aunt.  You may decide to help a friend build a deck or your nephew with his algebra.  

Volunteer.  Offer your services for an organization or cause that is meaningful for you.

Laugh, tell a joke or a story.  Laughter cleanses us.  With laughter, we can be freed, if just for a moment, from all-consuming concerns.

Spend time with friends or people you cherish.  People in our lives matter greatly.  Our relationships are core to our well-being.  Nurturing and sustaining our relationships grows happiness.

Be a good teammate.  Whether in sports, in board and card games or as a co-worker, many of us are nurtured by our interactions with others.  Find ways to expand your ability as a team member.

Learn something new.  Engagement is another principle of happiness and well-being.  Plus, our brains are energized by new information. 

Master a skill or area of knowledge.  Another core principle to well-being is mastery.  Whether your area is piano playing, carpentry or navigation, mastery of something that engages you and feels meaningful is powerful.

Create your own happiness activity list 

Each one of us decides what daily actions will grow our happiness and which of our daily actions reduces our happiness and sense of well-being. 

As you experiment with the different practices known to bring about well-being, decide which work best for you in your life.  It’s likely you’ll discover that you enjoy a mix of happiness experiences.  Some may be pure playful fun while others have deep meaning or you are mentally engaged.

My happiness may not be your happiness just as your happiness may not be mine.  While we may not agree on what makes us happy, we do agree that we all seek happiness.

Everyday happiness

Some of us are intuitively happy.  For these people, happiness is a natural place. 

Others of us think it’s right around the corner.  If only, they think, if only I get that new job, win the lottery, or meet that right person, then I’ll be happy.  Unfortunately, that keeps them from enjoying daily happiness.  Instead, their mind is in a dream.  They’d be surprised to learn that happiness is not connected to an event or an accomplishment.

Still others think happiness and well-being are just plain elusive.  They don’t know how to find it; they may have even stopped trying.  Instead, they look for a rulebook or guide book to tell them how to be happy.  Just tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it.

What is happiness?

From the start of time, people have asked the question, what is happiness.  Philosophers, explorers and even the authors of our Constitution valued happiness.  That’s why our Constitution promises the pursuit of happiness.

But, what is it?  Let’s start with what it’s not.  Too often, happiness is linked with insincerity, with frivolous happy faces.  Visualize any over-zealous, silver-tongued person.  That does not represent happiness. 

A happy person is genuine.  A happy person is engaged with their life.  Happiness is more than simple pleasures; it also comes from within, from honoring all the special facets of our self.  Happiness might be better defined as a sense of well-being, an inner balance and satisfaction. 

Happiness does not require a smile.  Happy people are fully and satisfyingly engaged in their life.  People who are engaged in a game of chess can be every bit as happy as the people on the field playing touch football.

The experience of happiness

Visualize a line.  At one end of the line is pleasure and at the other end of the line is meaning and mental engagement.   Every point on that line describes the experience of happiness.  At one end is pure pleasure; it feels more immediate and doesn’t have a lasting side to it.  A hot bath or a delicious steak might be at that end. 

At the other end you will find a mental quality, with the engagement of your own interests and talents.  A sense of belonging to something greater, a personal mission, a commitment to a cause – these will be found at the other end of the line.

There are many points on the line.  We don’t live life at a single point.  Instead, our life experiences will be at various points on that line.  Our lives and our happiness are a balance of all our experiences.

Where does happiness come from?

Of late, there’s been a lot of research into the source of happiness with groundbreaking results.  Social psychologist, Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research uncovered the surprising factors that influence our happiness.¹ 

Most of us assume that happiness is the result of life circumstance.  We think the facts of our lives will predict our happiness.  After all, shouldn’t a lottery winner spend the rest of their life at the peak of happiness while the paraplegic will live life in sorrow?  Well, it doesn’t work that way. 

Circumstance accounts for only ten per cent of the factors that influence our happiness.  Here is how it breaks out.

Genetic Tendencies = 50% of happiness

Circumstance = 10% of happiness 

Intentional Activities = 40% of happiness

Are you surprised?  Forty per cent of our personal happiness depends on us.  Our happiness depends on the things we do or don’t do every single day.  That means we are each responsible for our own happiness.  What we do or don’t do influences our happiness.

For things you can do to, in other words, intentional activities, click on this title Fifteen Ways to Increase Happiness.  It’s on this website.

Another surprise – our highs and lows don’t last.  That high we feel when we buy the house of our dreams and at all our other high point moments don’t keep us at a high.  The same is true for those tough experiences; our lows don’t last either.  Instead, we return to our normal.  We can increase our normal with intentional activity.  Otherwise, we’ll return to our normal.

Moving Beyond Just Plain Happiness²

The more it’s researched, the more we know about happiness.  It’s one thing to say, “I feel happy.” and another to say, “I am happy.”  One is the fleeting happy moment.  The other is a blend of key life experiences.  The following are the life experiences believed to contribute to a happy life, to a sense of well-being:

Positive Emotions.  These are the in-the-moment emotions we experience.  They don’t last.  We feel them and then they are gone.  They do inform us; our positive emotions tell us what we need in our lives.  Our positive emotions are those we want to have again and again.               

Engagement.  You are engaged when you are totally absorbed.  Think about a tennis game.  When you are absorbed, you are probably playing optimally.  When your mind is not on the game, you are probably not playing as well.  This is also called flow. Some people think of it as being in the zone.

When you are engaged, you lose complete track of time and surrounding.  When you are engaged, you feel challenged and are up to the challenge.  When you are engaged, you do not worry about failure.  Flow is optimal when your skills are up to the challenge.

Be aware.  Today’s electronic games can be wholly absorbing and challenging.  While these games cause us to lose track of time and our surroundings, they do not contribute to our life’s well-being.

Relationships.  Our connections with others are vital to our well-being.  Positive psychologist, Chris Peterson, sums it up and says it best when he says, “Other people matter.”³

The people in our lives may be relatives, friends, business associates and social acquaintances.  Even our auto mechanic is a person in our life.  In relationships, we give and we receive.  How we maintain and sustain our relationships says much about the nature of our happiness.

Meaning.  Our lives have meaning when we feel we are a part of something larger than we are.  Meaning can come in different forms.  Adventurers, explorers and inventors followed an inner quest.  Others of us work on behalf of a cause.  Perhaps our meaning comes from parenting or teaching.  

Our life’s meaning is unique.  We alone are the ones who can define our meaning.  It gives us a direction; it provides an underlying foundation for our life.

Accomplishment.  This is a broad category.  Much fits into it.  Whether you are a pianist, a physicist or a parent, your accomplishment is the result of what you put into it.  Are you competent or are you a master of the skills needed for your pursuit? 

Perhaps you are a great friend – that is an accomplishment.  It could be you are an excellent electrician – that is an accomplishment.  Bridge-playing, too, can be an accomplishment. 

Positivity

Another key piece to the happiness puzzle is the concept of positivity.   Positivity is a ratio - we need three positive emotions for every negative emotion.  Why?  It turns out that we ruminate over our negative emotions; we experience negative emotions more deeply.  That means it takes more positive emotions – love, joy, laughter, friendship and more – to reduce the effect of one negative emotion. 

Barbara Fredrickson, Distinguished Psychology Professor from the University of North Carolina proposes the following as our daily ratio⁴.  Fredrickson explains that the tipping point for happiness and satisfaction is:

3 Positive Emotions : 1 Negative Emotion

Fredrickson’s research shows that most of us are at 2:1.  That means we experience two positive emotions for every negative emotion.  That keeps us at a low level of well-being.  With only two positive emotions for each negative emotion, our happiness remains low.  

When we increase our daily positive emotions, we change our sense of well-being. That means we need to work extra hard to keep our daily positive emotions at peak level⁵.  On the flip side, don’t try to avoid negative emotions; we need those, too.  Again, it’s the balance that gets us to our happy goal.

To monitor your personal positive for a week or two, go to Fredrickson’s website, Positivity Ratio, where you’ll find her positivity test.  To watch Fredrickson’s YouTube videos for more about positivity, click here.

Sources

¹  Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness.

²  Martin Seligman, Flourish.  Seligman is the Father of Positive Psychology.  Another important Positive Psychologist, the one who research unearthed the concept of flow is Mihaly Csi9kszentmihalyi, Flow, the psychology of optimal experience.

³  Christopher Peterson, A Primer in Positive Psychology

⁴  Barbara Fredrickson, YouTube: Positive Emotions Transform Us  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKggZhYwoys ; Positivity

⁵  Barbara Frederickson, Positivity

Whatever our age, wherever we live, no matter what our income, we tend to see our future as rosy.  Optimism, it turns out, is a human condition.  We foresee a good future for us and for our children.  Neuroscientist, Tali Sharot, calls the belief in a better future optimism bias.¹  Interestingly, we don’t forecast a positive future for everyone, only for our children and us.

What does that really mean?  And, how can we be optimistic about our future when we are fighting wars, tornadoes are ravaging parts of our country and our economy has taken such an enormous hit? 

It turns out that our brains are hardwired with a bent towards optimism.  About 80% of us see our glass as half full.  That is true all over the world.  While we think of optimism as an American trait, research shows that it is a human trait.  Our brains choose to see our personal future in rosy terms.

Optimism and its opposite, pessimism, express how we explain our world.  Optimism is an individual’s positive mental attitude about their life.  This positive mental attitude includes hope for the future, that our personal life will remain positive.    

People who look at a glass of water and think it is half-full are considered optimists. Those who see the glass as half-empty are thought to be pessimists.  It’s a simple way of expressing our view of the world.  Is it a world of plenty or a world of scarcity?

Optimism is with us at every turn

We learn from experience.  Our brain uses our past to create better future experiences.  At the same time, our brain changes negative experience so they aren’t as painful to remember.  Think, for example, of all the women who have more than one child.  Fortunately, our brain lightens the load of detailed birthing recall.

We are upbeat when confronted with misfortune.  We look for the bright side, for the lesson we’re learning even when catastrophe befalls us.  We know there is meaning; we know we’ll come out on the other side a better person. 

Giving optimists a bad rap

Optimists have long been thought of as dreamers, as naïve idealists, as Pollyanna-ish, as Panglossian.  Optimists are still thought of as unrealistic and slightly foolish.  On the other hand, recent research shows that optimists work longer hours and may have saved more money than others.

Can we be too optimistic?

Yes, we are often overly optimistic.  Our optimistic tendencies cause us to over-estimate our life expectancy by as much as twenty years!  The unfortunate result?  Far too few of us seek regular medical attention.  Our optimism is again at play at the time of our marriage.  Few of us imagine the possibility of divorce.  Still, there’s a 40% to 50% likelihood that a U.S. marriage will end in divorce.

Yes, we can be too optimistic but optimism plays an important role.  Can you imagine explorers, adventurers and inventors without optimism?  Where would we be if Columbus hadn’t decided to seek the Americas?  What about the wagon trains crossing the American plains seeking new land and a new life?  Without a fair dose of optimism, would any of them have begun their journey? 

Then, there are inventors like Thomas Edison and Steve Jobs.  Both may have been overly optimistic about the outcome but it sustained their work. 

Sharot explains that our optimism sets the stage for less stress because we underrate the hurdles we might encounter.  Surely, that is what sustains explorers and inventors.  Optimism gives us the vision and the belief that we can expand our boundaries.

Carrying it a step too far

It is true; there are those among us whose optimism is extreme.  There are those who squander savings and live on the edge, blithely believing the future will provide. 

Strategic optimism and strategic pessimism

Balance is important.  Optimism will help you expand your future while pessimism will constrain extreme risk-taking.  Consider just how optimistic you are.  Is it enhancing your life and expanding your perspective?  Or, is over-optimism putting you at peril?  Conversely, is pessimism limiting your future?

Put your optimism and pessimism to work.  Use creatively to shape your life, to make sure your experience is full and satisfying.  

Sources:

Time Magazine, June 6, 2011: The Optimism Bias by Tali Sharot

Wikipedia: Optimism

Books:

The Optimism Bias: A Tour of the Irrationally Positive Brain by Tali Sharot

Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella was a popular song in the Sixties.  Its message is universal.  Wherever you are on this earth, a smile will improve your experience.  The physical act of smiling actually changes our body and it warms the people around us. 

A smile can change our mood and the mood of others.  The simple act of a smile can change other people’s day – you can alter their mood with a smile.

Our smile is but one indicator of a positive mood.  A frown is an indicator of a negative mood.  Our moods are somewhat simplistic.  They’re in either the good mood range or the bad mood range.  They’re not nearly as complex as emotions. 

The interesting thing about moods is that they are contagious.  Your good mood will transmit itself to those in your presence just as another person’s good mood will transmit itself to you.  The same is true for a negative mood. 

Some people are especially powerful mood transmitters.  When in their company, people can’t help but respond to their strong mood transmissions.  If they are of good cheer, so is everyone around them.  When they enter a room, the mood is changed.  If they exude a good mood, they are spreading the love, so to speak.  Some, unfortunately, spread their pain.

Psychologists believe that people with strong mood transmitters have particularly expressive faces and gestures.  These are the people who are most at ease expressing their emotions.  Watch for it at your next social gathering or at work tomorrow.  Try it out yourself – start with a smile.

Do you want to change your mood?  Do you want to change the mood of the people around you?  What about an improved mood at the dinner table?  It’s easy to do.  Start with a smile.  Then move onto an upbeat conversation or tell a story that will capture the attention of the others.  In no time, everyone will have caught the mood you’ve introduced.

Even the mood at a business meeting can be altered by the mood of the leader.  It can run from positive and can-do to terror, stress and failure.

Movies, books and songs can elevate our mood.  Think of the people coming out after a movie.  Their mood will likely mirror the tone set by the movie.  Think of everyone at the last concert you attended.  They likely mirrored the mood set by the music and musicians. 

Wherever we are, whomever we are with, our mood is likely influenced by the present moment.

For almost twenty years, Lilly Ledbetter worked at a Goodyear Tire and Rubber plant in Alabama.  As she neared retirement, she learned that she was paid much less than the men who held the same job.  She was paid $3,727 a month while the men were paid from $4,286 to $5,236 a month for the very same work.¹

A jury found in her favor, that she was the victim of pay discrimination.  But it didn’t end there.  Her employer took the case to the Supreme Court where her claim was denied because she didn’t sue as soon as the pay disparity began.  It turns out that the clock started ticking when her company first paid her less than the others holding the same job.  She would have had to make a claim within 180 days of the first pay difference.  Otherwise, the law assumed the pay difference was acceptable.

Because the case reached the Supreme Court, it generated a good bit of publicity.  The result is that the U.S. Congress passed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.  The Act changes the statute of limitations.  The 180-day period remains but it restarts with every paycheck that is discriminatory.

While Lilly Ledbetter did not recover any of the pay difference, she has become an advocate for equal pay.  Her name will always be linked with pay equity.

¹  Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: Lilly Ledbetter.  

What is life like after the headlines have demonized your name?  When the headlines are quick and harsh, it’s difficult to imagine a life beyond.

Fortunately, life can again be good after painful public scrutiny.  Here are but a few turnaround stories.

Zoe Baird was a successful attorney with exceptional credentials.  She was an ideal choice when Bill Clinton nominated her to be his Attorney General.  That’s right; she was nominated to be the Attorney General of the United States and to serve in Bill Clinton’s Cabinet.  Why then would her nomination be withdrawn?  You may remember the headlines that went on and on; this was nannygate.  Baird had employed illegal immigrants in her home to care for her son and had not paid social security taxes. 

Where is Zoe Baird now?  After paying the fines and the taxes, she continued her career in business, government and academia.  Today, she presides over a private philanthropy organization.  She moved on to serve in important ways.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went missing for six days; no one seemed to know where he was til he returned from a six-day affair with an Argentinean woman.  How did it turn out for his wife, Jenny?  She immediately divorced him, moved on to raise her four sons, and write her inspirational book, Staying True, in which she shares the values that have sustained her throughout her life.

Then, of course, there is Martha Stewart whose media business remains as vibrant after prison as before.  She used her time to her advantage.

It’s in our DNA.  We find a way, a path beyond whatever difficulty challenges us.  Absolutely, there is success on the other side of disaster.

What would we ever do without our friends?  We laugh with them and we cry with them.  We help them just as they help us.  Our friends are pillars in our lives.  They provide a source of strength and solace to an occasionally unfriendly world. 

Sometimes their names change but mostly they are with us over the years.  As we imagine our lives beyond childhood and adolescence, our friends are there.  Through our glorious wins and our painful losses, our friends are there.  They are with us through all the days of our lives. 

We think of them as our friends though the word doesn’t fully express how very important they are in our lives.  Often, they’re as close as or closer than our family.  In fact, our friends may become our family.  “Friendship has a bigger impact on our psychological well-being than family relationships,” writes Professor Rebecca G. Adams¹.

What is it about friendship? 

Sometimes urban legend is just that, the stories of the internet.  Some are true while others are fiction.  There’s one going around that may seem improbable but is based on deep research.  That’s the one that refers to an unnamed Stanford psychology professor’s advice for good health: the best thing a man can do for his health is to be married to a woman; the best thing a woman can do for her health is to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends.

Women nod knowingly.  They recognize the simple truth of these words, that their girlfriends are vital to their well-being.

Social psychologists have begun to study the merits of friendship. Their findings?  Friendships come with tremendous benefits.  In study after study, friendships are shown to promote physical and psychological health while protecting against the effects of stress. 

“In threatening times, people seek positive social relationships, because such contacts provide protection to maintain one’s own safety and that of one’s offspring,” writes social psychologist and Distinguished Professor at UCLA, Shelley Taylor².

Friendship is something women do.  It’s just plain natural.  Add to that the discovery that in times of stress, women release a hormone that increases the likelihood they’ll tend or befriend.  Women are able to move beyond a stress-induced fight or flight response to nurture and be nurtured.

The good news for men is that recent studies show male stress-response tools also extend beyond pure fight or flight.  It turns out they, too, have a stress-induced hormone that is linked to seeking closer social relationships. 

One Friend or Twenty?

Over the years, we make more and more friends.  Some are professional friends – people with whom we mostly share work-related conversations.  Some are friends from organizations we value – religious organizations, cultural organizations, political organizations, even social and athletic organizations.  And, of course, there are friends who share hobbies just as there are friends you’ve met through other friends. 

Over the years, we make many friends.  We may even refer to the various groups of our friends: my running club friends, my work friends, my church friends, my knitting friends and on.  Some become a part of our own inner circle, our very closest friends.  You may even have a name for that inner circle. 

That’s right, not all friends have the same status in our lives.  Some are close friends.  Other friends may serve a different purpose.  You may enjoy your tennis group.  You love that you are each competitive.  Your tennis together is intense; you have fun with your tennis friends but they may or may not be amongst your closer friends.

Some of our friends will be in more than one group.  In other words, you may serve on a fundraising committee with a friend from work.  Other times, there may be no overlap between groups. 

Some of the people we call friends may actually be acquaintances.  We know them, we see them, we even speak with them regularly.  We may even share important factors – we may be tornado survivors or we may sing beautifully.  Still, if there isn’t a connection, a spark, then the relationship may remain in the acquaintance category.  That’s simply a part of the way our world works today.    

You may have lots and lots of friends but your core group of friends may be small.  Every one of the relationships is important, some more important than others.

Have you hugged a friend today?  It may be as simple as a text, an email or a call.  Connect and enjoy.

Sources

The New York Times, April 21, 2009: What Are Friends For? A Longer Life by Tara Parker-Pope.

References

¹  Rebecca G. Adams, Sociology Professor, University of North Carolina, Greensboro.

²  Shelley E. Taylor, Distinguished Professor of Health Psychology, UCLA.

Books

The Girls From Ames: A Story of Women and a Forty-Year Friendship by Jeffrey Zaslow, April 2009.

Carrying a secret is tough to do.  As soon as something is named a secret, our minds want to banish it from our thoughts.  What happens?  Suddenly we cannot get it out of our mind.  It’s as if we’re unable to stop thinking about that something. 

We humans are poor secret keepers.  We think we’ll be good, we start out with the best of intentions but for a million different reasons, we often fail.

A secret.  To be a secret, there needs to be a reason for preventing others from knowing.  Otherwise, there’s no point to it being a secret.  So, why is a secret a secret?  There are loads of reasons for keeping a secret – for withholding, for keeping private, for sharing with a clandestine few. 

The reasons for secrets are many.  Shame is certainly a secret motivator.  There’s also fear – fear of being “found out”, fear of consequences, even fear for one’s safety.  Sometimes we keep a secret because we think our values are different.    

Let’s not forget family secrets.  Whether it’s a genetic trait, the dark deeds of a long lost uncle or a recipe, some families have secrets.

According to Harvard Psychology Professor, Daniel Wegner, our minds become so preoccupied with a secret that we exaggerate its importance.  To carry it even further, Wegner’s research shows that the obsession with secrecy in love affairs actually heightens the attraction.  Is the attraction real or is it the sensation of secrecy?

Keeping a secret is a form of deception.  When we are asked to keep a secret for someone else, it’s much like being asked to lie, to withhold information.  Worse yet, it’s likely we’ll have a hard time keeping the secret, well, secret!  Will you keep my secret?

How Does Google Change Our Memory Skills?  Have you ever worried that your brain might go soft because you use Google to get your answers?  The terrific news is that you no longer need to remember all the details.  Columbia University psychologist, Betsy Sparrow’s research shows that our memories are changing but in a positive way.  We are becoming less reliant on data and better able to process information.  The internet has become our primary form of external memory – we know where to go to find the information we seek.  Sparrow also notes that general intelligence is growing.

Science, August 5, 2011: Google Effects On Memory: Cognitive Consequences of Having Information at Our Fingertips by Betsy Sparrow, Jenny Liu and Daniel M. Wegner.

It’s easy to say yes.  We’ve done it all our lives.  Besides, what else are we supposed to say when someone asks us to do, well, whatever it is they’ll be asking you to do?

It’s in our nature to add more and more to our list of commitments.  There comes a day, however, when we’re suddenly overwhelmed.  It’s hard to predict what it is that will tip the scales and push us into that exhausted over-committed zone.  Worst of all, once we’re over-committed, we also lose perspective.  That’s when it is so much harder to see how to regain balance.  Instead, we’re at wits end, exhausted from our burden-laden plate.

Sometimes it helps to be very graphic.  An actual image can be surprising and informative.  That’s what this exercise is designed to do, to help you see yourself balancing the many facets of your life. 

Picture a seesaw.  Pick a side and see yourself sitting on that side of the seesaw.  Remember a few things while you are on that seesaw.  First, remember to smile and take a cleansing breath.

Next, remember to think about you.  You get 24 hours each and every day, the same as everyone else.  Now, in those 24 hours, you’ll need some rest.  Hopefully, it’s 8-hours of rest so you can waken refreshed for the next 24.  Whatever the number, your waking hours are yours.  There you are on one side of the seesaw with about 16 hours, deciding how to apportion them for your day.

On the other side of the seesaw sits your commitments.  See them.  See you with your sixteen hours on one side of the seesaw while your life commitments are on the other side.  Is there a balance?  Do your commitments throw you out of balance?  Let’s look at some life details to get a better picture.

Basic commitments, the bare necessities. 

There are things we must have in our lives.  They are the basics to life.  These, of course, take up a large share of the seat on the other side of the seesaw.  Look at them squarely, making certain that each rightfully belongs to your core commitments.

• The important people in your life.  Relationships are crucial in our lives; we are social beings.  Your core commitments will include those individuals who are most important in your life.  They may be children, a spouse or partner and other family members or friend.  
• The financial necessities including work, working relationships and the commute.  
• Your personal well-being.  Here consider your personal passions as well as personal care.  Included here might be exercise, hobbies, spiritual practice, sports and more.  
• The operating details of life.  These include transportation, household chores, even meals.

Okay, now upload your bare necessity core commitments onto the other side of the seesaw.  There they are.  Is there a balance?  You and your 16 hours are on one side of the seesaw and the basics of your life are on the other. 

If there is already an over-weighted imbalance, judiciously consider all your core commitments.  What changes will be necessary? 

If there’s an imbalance that shows you can take on more than your core commitments, fabulous. 

Fine-tuning your ability to say no when the right answer is no.

First, when asked to add a commitment to your life, consider the source.  Who or what is doing the asking.  So many askers are skilled at couching their request in the most favorable light.  Is it something you like doing?  Is it an organization or person you admire?  Does the commitment add something to your life?  Consider whether the asker is influencing your decision.  Think of how the actual commitment fits into your life and time. 

Sort out the plusses and minuses before you respond.  See yourself back on the seesaw.  What will it feel like if you add the commitment to its side?  Will you remain in balance?

Next, take your time with your decision.  Often, the person making the ask does so with energy and a positive rationale.  Even when that’s not the case, give yourself the gift of time for reflection.  You’ll not just reach the right answer; you’ll also be able to spell out the reasons for your decision.  It’s perfectly appropriate to say, “That’s very interesting.  Thank you for thinking of me.  I’ll need to take some time (a moment) to consider your request.  I’ll let you know (name when you’ll respond).”

You don’t have to give your reasons for your response.  There are times when a personal preference or need prevents us from saying yes.  Other times, there may be personal reason for saying yes.  The fact is, if it is personal and you’d prefer not to share the reasoning, then don’t.

What do you say whether saying yes or no.  First, remember to remain true to yourself.  As we’ve already agreed, it’s not necessary to reveal anything about your reasons. 

It is a good idea to acknowledge the person who asked.  You can tell them you are honored (or pleased) that they thought of you.  You can say that you enjoyed considering their request.

If you chose to do so, you can refer to timing, that the timing is or is not quite right for you.  If it is true, you might add that another time would be better.  You might even spell out when – if that is true.  Don’t set yourself up for another ask when you know in your heart you’ll never say yes.

If your answer is no, it is very appropriate to simply thank the asker for thinking of you but it is not something you will be able to take on.  There is no reason to say more.  You can say it graciously and with a smile.  Practice it.  Thank you for thinking of me, I am honored, but it’s not something I can take on.  Make it a statement. 

The asker should respect your decision.  If, however, they pursue the subject, again, smile and restate what you’ve said, “Really, I am pleased you thought of me but I cannot do it.”

With a few minutes here and there, we can check in with ourselves.  These are the times in a day when we can reset our perspective and boost our energy. 

To begin, make it a personal commitment, a commitment to moments of reflection and energizing during your day.  Your goal is to increase your energy and your performance.  Once we commit to moments of mental recovery, it’s then helpful to plan those moments, to make them a part of our life.

To plan your refreshing moments, you’ll want to fit it to the specifics of your life.  

Where?  Find the places of your daily life where you can kickback mentally to pause and reflect.  It may be a bench near your office or under a tree in a nearby park.  It could be in a special chair or in your office. 

When?   What fits into your day?  You may decide that a few minutes before your daily staff meeting works for you.  It could be you can use time during your daily bus or train commute.  Where can you find three, four, five minutes at a time?

What?  A mental R & R that really refreshes needs to be done in ways that work for you.  Some people will walk while others will choose to close their eyes in meditation.

In your moment, you may choose to see something beautiful.  Whether it’s a bit of nature or a pretty bowl, the possibilities are limitless.  The right choice is your choice.

Your purpose is to reset mentally, to refresh yourself, to adjust your focus.

In January 2009, a billionaire business mogul – then the 94th wealthiest person on the planet – committed suicide.  Why?  Because of a huge loss of wealth.  His wealth plummeted from $12.8 billion at the end of 2007 to $9.2 billion at the end of 2008.  That’s right, he was still a billionaire.  Evidently, a future with fewer billions was not a future he could face.  From his perspective – inside his mind – he could not go on living.

We each experience our losses in life differently. 

At the other end of the spectrum, we’ve watched Elizabeth Smart and Jaycee Dugard find meaningful lives after losing their childhood and their innocence to kidnappers.  Both women found within them the courage and the will to survive.  Today, they are using that inner strength to shape their futures.  Inside their minds, they see a good future.
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The same is true for Katrina survivors, the Recession survivors, cancer survivors and warriors who’ve returned without all their body parts.  We respond to our losses much the way we respond to our daily life.  Our glasses are either half-full or half empty.  We may or may not have the will to accept and move on.

Loss can come quickly or slowly. 

Loss that comes quickly steals in and out so rapidly that it’s almost hard to believe anything happened.  It may take time for our loss to become real.  Sudden loss is surprising.  Tornados, car crashes and even the demise of Lehman Brothers happened in an instant.  Loss came, claimed its victims and left – all in moments.

Other loss takes its time.  Whether your business is slowly evaporating or your loved one is courageously battling a dreaded disease, you experience the loss day after day after day.  It takes a nip at a time til its final conclusion. 

Loss changes us.

Whatever our loss, we are changed.  We’re changed by the loss itself as well as the way we manage our loss.  If it is a loss, then it is something we valued.  They go hand in hand.  Without value, we would not experience the sense of loss.  To experience loss means the loss is something we value; that necessarily changes us.

How we experience our losses will shape our future.

Loss causes a time of grief.  Some loss is so minimal that we merely dust ourselves off and move on.  Other loss requires absorption and time. 

Many grieve their loss and then move on to their next life chapter.  That isn’t to say they aren’t changed.  They are forever changed.   Still, they are able to process the loss, experience it fully and then move on.  Naturally, the process happens over time.
Some who face loss and grief experience it as a barrier.  It holds them back from moving on fully no matter how much time passes.

Generally, our personal perspective, the one that has been with us throughout our life, is a guide to how we manage our losses.  On the other hand, loss can strike a chord that leads us to change, to experience life anew – changed yet surprisingly strong.

Saying goodbye to a loved one’s life is painful.  Your memories are many but there remains a hole, an abyss, a void where once stood your dear person.  You know you’ll never forget them but then you worry you might forget some of the details.  You worry that others won’t remember the things that made your loved one so very special.  You worry they’ll quickly forget.

To begin, don’t forget that the individual you miss so greatly will be remembered according to the life they lived.  Their special hallmarks will remain indelible. 

Still, you wonder how they will be remembered years from now.  You, as one who loved dearly, can sustain a part of their legacy.  Actually, we all do it naturally though not all of us do it consciously.  We tell their stories.  We hold on to our memories.  Still, you wonder, how will they be carried forward? 

It doesn’t have to be in big ways.  Grand drama is not a part of everyone’s daily life.  Small gestures, small things are often ideal.  But how?  What expresses their essence?

Story telling.  Telling stories is the easiest and most graphic way to remember.  Happy stories or funny stories.  Romantic stories or loving stories.  Stories about their values or their work.  War stories or travel stories.  Stories give a flavor for the people remembered by the story; their essence is a part of each telling.  Stories acquaint younger family members with generations that preceded them.

Objects of their creation.  Did they knit or paint, carve or write?  Keeping items of your loved one’s creation can be meaningful.  Choosing to display one of their pieces can become the start of conversations with younger generations.  Letters are another treasure from which younger family members can learn about those who’ve gone before.

Personal habits.  The purpose here is not to mimic a loved one.  Nor is it to change who you are.  On the other hand, there may be a particular phrase, an idiom or a unique gesture you especially appreciated.  You may choose to use it now and again.  It’s a small and simple nod to one who has gone before.

Heritage.  Many families enjoy researching their heritage.  Studying genealogy is not just easier today, it’s become immensely popular.  Websites such as ancestry.com and myheritage.com enable worldwide genealogy searches.  Libraries are another resource for tracing ancestry.

Traditions and Hobbies.  Carry on a tradition.  Perhaps these are traditions they started, perhaps they are traditions the loved.  These traditions may be holiday-related or not.  Perhaps it’s the family reading hour.  In our house, Grandma J served cracked crab and an orange and avocado salad every Christmas Eve.  Though she’s no longer with us, the family still looks forward to its Christmas Eve tradition. 

Carry on certain pastimes or hobbies.  Whether it’s cooking in the Italian tradition using favored recipes or the annual fishing to Umpqua River in Oregon, there are pastimes that are familial.  These can be carried on.

Write.   Whether as a book, an article, a song or a symphony, create a written or musical legacy.

Create.  If you are creative, a painting, a ceramic bowl or a woodcarving may be your ideal expression of remembering.  You might even decide to create a composition of your dear one’s favorite items – a collage or collection presentation.

Start something new that highlights a unique quality.  There are many forms of legacy creation. Their purpose is more than a memorial.  Often, the purpose of starting something new is to recognize the essence of the one who has gone before. 

Funded internships and scholarships, for example, usually recognize the remembered person’s work or passions.  Grieving widows, widowers, parents and friends have successfully lobbied governmental bodies for the passage of a law – often in the name of their loved one.   

Many organizations and foundations have been started to reflect specific qualities or experiences.  For example, Leeza Gibbons honored her mother and her grandmother by establishing her Memory Foundation to provide respite for families who are currently caregivers.  The Joyful Child Foundation was begun by Samantha Runnion’s parents; it is dedicated to preventing crimes against children.

Size does not matter.  Rather, when starting something new you are institutionalizing a characteristic in a way that best carries a legacy forward.   

Build or buy something in their memory.  Whether it’s a porch swing or a statue in the garden, there are objects that can tell tales about a person.  You remember how much Grandpa Zack loved the lake.  All those trips to the lake will never leave your memory banks.  Perhaps a lakeside bench would be a fitting and long-lasting tribute.  You might decide to have the bench placed in a public space to his name will be known by future generations.

A legacy of love need not be costly.  It is the heart and thought that goes into it that makes it memorable.  It memorializes the substance of a person.  Establishing legacies of love celebrates the person while it also exposes younger generations to their heritage.

Loss is one of those subjects we just don’t discuss even though we all experience it at some time in our lives.

Loss comes in many forms.  It also comes in a matter of degree - some loss cuts us deeply while other losses are more easily bearable.  You lost your sweater at the game last night?  That’s okay, you have others.  You lost your friend?  Now there is something that merits concern.  How did you lose your friend?

Often, our minds go to death when we think about loss.  The death of a spouse, of a parent, of a child, of a friend, of a sibling, even the death of a business associate.  In death, the human form is no longer.  We celebrate those who die after a long and well-lived life even though their death is a loss.  Our pain may be greater for those who die too soon, or so we thought.

Add to that the death of a pet.  Pets often become family members.  Their loss is deeply felt.

Death is not the only form of loss. 

There is economic loss.  The recent recession put millions of people out of work – they lost their jobs.  Job  loss is an economic loss; it can also be a loss of security.  Both can plague a person through their lifetime.

Further economic loss comes in the form of home loss.  In addition to job loss, millions lost their homes.  All of them lost their sense of financial security and well-being.

There is the loss of good health.  Many illnesses confront our sense of physical well-being. A serous diagnosis can change everything.  Our once heartfelt belief in our physical well-being can be lost for a lifetime with the simple pronouncement of a diagnosis.  Whether it is cancer or MS, there are diagnoses that rock our foundation.  Instantly, we lose our health certainty.

There is divorce. Divorce is an immense loss.  It’s the absolute end of what we hoped would be a lifelong union.  It doesn’t matter who initiates a divorce, the fact of a divorce is a loss. 

There is loss sustained in war.  Our military women and men lose limbs and other body parts.  They also lose their youthful innocence.  The warring experience leaves an indelible mark which for some results in nightmarish trauma.

A protracted war changes a nation’s psyche – war weary results in a loss of vitality.

There is loss resulting from mistakes.  To err is human.  Try as we might, some of us make mistakes in life.  We may choose our words badly.  We may accept the wrong job.  We may move to another region and never adapt.  We may go with the wrong group of friends.  While there is a loss sustained, it is also an opportunity to make a life-altering turnaround. 

We sometimes assume that life comes with an easy-as-pie warrantee.  It doesn’t.  We will all encounter loss during our lifetime.  It’s how we deal with our losses that defines us.

Are there other losses?  Email us and we may add another category.

Is it just too much?  Are you trying to balance your work life, your home life, your volunteer life, your church life and your own life and it just isn’t working?  Our lives are complex.  They are loaded with endless details all of which must be done.  We feel anxious, fearing we won’t get it all done.  Then, when we don’t get it all done, we look wistfully at our lives wondering how.  How can we make it all happen?

How then, can you manage all you must do and enjoy your life?  Simply, it takes a clear set of priorities, some boundary setting, a good bit of planning and the willingness to do things differently.

What Are Your Priorities?

While having it all may be your mantra, it doesn’t mean you can do it all today.  That means you’ll need to look at each part of your life and set priorities and boundaries. 

To begin, think about each facet of your life and explain to yourself why it is important.  It may be that you work because you love teaching – and, you need the money.  That’s why work is important for you.  For every part of your life, think about why it is important to you.  For example:

My children and their needs are important because:

My partner and his/her needs are important because:

My work is important because:

Think of all you do – your tutoring, your coaching, your tennis, your book group – and remind yourself why each is important in your life.  Next, look at each of the parts of your life and assign levels of priority for each. 

You may decide that some parts of your life have equal levels of priority.  That’s okay; there are ways to balance activities of equal importance. 

You may find that some parts of your life are not as important to you as they are to someone you love.  That doesn’t mean we stop doing them.  After all, we all do things for others.  Make note and remain aware of these.

You might decide to name your levels of priority.  For example, you might name your top priority items the red hots.

Where Are Your Boundaries?

It’s now time to decide what your priorities mean in your life.  For example, if you want to be accessible for your children during their school years, what exactly does that mean?  Be clear about how you want to be accessible.  Does it mean accessible when there is an illness?  Does it mean you want to attend at least one soccer match each month?  Does it mean you don’t want to travel more than one day a week?  What is your definition of being accessible for your children? For each priority, spell out the actions that will satisfy the priority.

You can only set boundaries when you know what you expect for each priority.  When you know what actions will fulfill your priorities to your satisfaction, that’s when you’ll begin to find balance.  Until you are clear about your priorities and how you want to fulfill those priorities, you’ll always feel on edge and out of balance.

To set your boundaries, look at your expectations for each priority.  Ask yourself all the what-if questions you can imagine.  Your work requires you to travel and be away one night a week.  What if it grows to two nights a week?  What other priorities does that affect?  Will it change your volunteer activities?  Will it impede your weekly visit to your Mom? 

Review your priorities and highlight the areas where you will not compromise.  Generally, these will be in the top priority areas.  Then, highlight the areas where you can be flexible. 

You’ve just taken the first step to setting boundaries to make your life work.

What Are Your Conflicts and Balancing Actions?

It’s now time to think about how some important parts of your life conflict with each other.  At the same time, you’ll consider how other parts of your life help you find a balance.  Again, review your priorities and boundaries.  For every conflict you foresee, find a balancing action that makes it possible. 

Not sure how to proceed?  Below are a few examples to get you started.

Conflict:  Your work is demanding and you must be accessible for your children.  Balancing Action:  Your company’s flexible work plan allows you to decide which days you work at your office and which days you work at home.  Or, you may decide to work from home in the later afternoons, which could give you flexibility with after-school activities.  The only caveat, of course, is to be sure you fulfill your working commitments.

Conflict:  You must be away for a second night every week.  Balancing Action:  You decide to stay at a hotel with workout equipment, which means one or two fewer at-home workouts.  Plus, you use some of your travel time to phone or email the family and/or friends who are a priority.  Oh yes, while travelling, you bring your book club book.  You can read it in-flight.

Conflict:  Your daily commitments are so time-intensive that you never exercise.  Balancing Action:  Take a 15-minute break twice daily.  During these breaks, walk, run, skip rope, use your hand weights or whatever you prefer.  Combined, you’ll get a thirty-minute daily workout.  Better yet, you’ll feel refreshed, ready to resume your busy day.  Another possibility is an exercise ball.  Use it in place of your desk chair.  Or, watch television with your family while you are perched on your ball. 

You will notice that some balancing actions require a willingness to do things differently.  If you aren’t getting it all done today, then you’ll need to consider making changes to your current practices.

At the start, some of the balancing actions may feel foreign.  That’s okay.  Your goal is to get it all done.  You’ve decided on your priorities.  Making them happen in your life may require mental and physical flexibility.  Soon, however, your new ways will be habit and you’ll wonder how you ever managed without them.

Your Plan Will Make It Happen

The glue that brings balance to your life is planning.  Plan your life daily.  Plan your life weekly.  Plan your life monthly.  Even make an annual plan.  That doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.  We know that life is in the moment.  Just remember that you’ll enjoy your moments more when your balls are balanced and your ducks are in a row.

Some parts of your plan will be firm and cannot be changed.  Other parts of your plan must be changeable, allowing you to make adjustments as needed.  Your priorities and boundaries are crucial to a successful plan.  They will determine where you can be flexible and where you must be inflexible.

To make the plan work, to make it a plan you can actually put into action, requires your willingness to adapt as circumstance dictates.  To make your plan work requires that you see yourself in a different way.  If it isn’t working today, if your life is out of balance, then it’s time for a new path, a new vision.

We all do it, some more than others. We smile when we are happy, we smile when we see someone who is meaningful to us.  We’re all smilers, automatically responding with a smile, right?  No.  Not all of us smile regularly.

Early on in life, we learn that a smile can serve a social purpose.  That’s done mostly by girls, however, as boys often refrain from smiling because it’s seen as too emotional.

While a smile can be pure biology, it can also be an entirely emotional response.  Certain stimuli may trigger an automatic smile. 

On the other hand, in today’s society, we’ve learned not to wear our heart on our sleeves.  That’s why some smiles don’t let the viewer see the real emotion.  There’s a smile but not one that conveys information.  Careful, wary smiles can even be received as insincere.  A feature of these controlled smiles is that they only use the lip muscles.  The eyes are not involved. 

When we’re more at ease, our smile can be full and spontaneous.  A smile that involves both the lip muscles and the eyes is called a Duchenne smile named after the 18^th century scientist who studied smiles.  A Duchenne smile activates not just the lip muscles but also the happy lines we also call crow’s feet.

What does your smile do for others?  Professor Marianne LaFrance explains that a smile tends to “draw people in or at least not send them away.”  Others experience your warm smile, making them feel better.

What about a smile for yourself?  We’ve long heard that to cure our blues, we just need to smile.  Can you hear it now, let a smile be your umbrella?  Professor LaFrance explains that it really depends on your frame of mind.  If you are in a so-so mood, a smile may work.  On the other hand, if your mood is strong, a smile may not be enough to turn it around.

Sources:

Can We Make Ourselves Happier by Smiling? by Marianne LaFrance, Science and Religion Today, September 14, 2011.

Our Social Nature: The Surprising Science of Our Smiles by Danielle Venton, Wired Magazine, August 19, 2011. 

Link:

Lip Service: Smiles in Life, Death, Trust, Lies, Work, Memory, Sex and Politics by Marianne LaFrance, August 2011. 

Some days appear to be great days.  Just think, you say to yourself, it’s a glorious blue-skied day and it’s your best friend’s daughter’s wedding day.  You are pumped and happy about life, about the happy couple and your friend. 

You are wearing your favorite ‘going to a wedding’ outfit.  You look great in it.  You know it; plus, everyone tells you so.  Your hair is fine, what’s off is in your body.  Well, it's in your head as well.  But no one will know today – your game face is on and you will find the way to enjoy the day. 

Why not?  Enjoying this day isn’t going to change the fact that you have Parkinson’s.  That’s just plain fact, you say to yourself, so why not experience it as a good day. 

At the end of the day, you reflect and think, "Yahoo, I did it!"  You had a good day, you enjoyed the wedding, you toasted the couple.  Yes, your toast was with sparking water not sparkling wine but you let go of your worries and enjoyed the day.  After all, it’s your day, too.  You'd long before decided it was going to be a great day and you made it happen.

Yes, some days are tougher than others.  It’s not so hard when you’re at the wedding and the bride’s beauty brings tears and reflections of her Mom, your dear friend.  Of course, you will have a good day – for your friend and for yourself.  No one else knows, just your friend and your husband. 

It’s a new diagnosis and you haven’t decided how you want to tell people.  Right now, the others don’t know how frightened you are.  They look at you and see you in your great dress with your smile – it’s easier to smile when the smile is for someone else – in this case, for your friend and her daughter and the perfection of the day.  It’s a bittersweet smile but it is your smile and no one else sees anything other.

It may not be Parkinson’s.  It may not be your health at all.  It may be you’ve lost your job or you haven’t worked in a year.  It may be your worry for your son or your husband or that your business might not make payroll.  We all have worries.  Sometimes our worries are heavy and other times they are light but we all have concerns. 

Each day is ours.  We decide how our day plays out.  If that's the case, then why not get the most out of each and every day?  The answer?  You find a way a moment at a time.  It’s that we summon up our courage to enjoy our day.  We may pray or we may meditate, we may medicate or we may use our laser-like focus.  Whatever it is we do, we each follow our path and that path includes our own everyday sort of courage.

Is your today a day of courage?  What about the person seated next to you?  Is theirs a day of courage? 

At our very core, we each have our own set of strengths.  These strengths play an important role in our daily lives.  Usually, we feel energized and satisfied when we use our strengths.  In fact, research shows that our greatest successes are the result of our using our unique strengths.

What do we know about strengths?  We know that many companies now use strengths training.  We know, in fact, that many businesses  seek a balance of character strengths for their staff.  That’s fine but what do we know about strengths in our personal lives?

We know that character strengths are universal and scientific.  In other words, research conducted all over the world shows that humans share the same basic character strengths.  It doesn’t matter where you live, there are 24 character strengths humans share.  The difference is how much we have of the strengths.

There is a great difference between character strength and talent.  That’s important for you to know because there are two “strengths” tests.  They both serve to identify core personal attributes; both are the result of scientific study of people worldwide.  One,  Character Strengths, studies character; the other, StrengthsFinder, studies “workplace themes”.

The VIA Character Strengths

The Character Strengths test identifies our strongest and weakest character attributes.  Developed by Martin Seligman and Christ Peterson, the Character Strengths are shared by humans the world over. 

These strengths are divided into six Core Virtues and each virtue is divided into related Character Strengths.  The virtues and their related strengths are:

Wisdom & Knowledge, the acquisition and use of information:

Creativity, Curiosity, Love of Learning, Open-Mindedness, Perspective

Courage, the exercise of will to reach goals in the face of internal or external opposition:

Authenticity/Honesty, Bravery, Perseverance, Zest

Humanity, interpersonal strengths that involve tending and befriending:

Kindness, Love, Social Intelligence

Justice, civic strengths that underlie a healthy community life:

Fairness, Leadership, Teamwork

Temperance, protection from excess:

Forgiveness, Modesty/Humility, Prudence, Self-Regulation

Transcendence, forge connections to the larger universe and provide meaning:

Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Gratitude, Hope, Humor, Spirituality

According to Chris Peterson, the most commonly held character strengths are kindness, fairness, honesty, gratitude and open-mindedness.  At the other end of the spectrum, the character strengths held by the fewest people are prudence, modesty and self-regulation.

The VIA Character Strength testing is free at two websites.  First, the founder of Positive Psychology, Marty Seligman’s Authentic Happiness website (click Authentic Happiness).  There you’ll also find other free tests including the Satisfaction with Life Scale.    The other site is VIA Character Strength’s home (click Character Strength).

What Can You Expect When You Use Your Strengths?

Whether we are able to name our signature strengths or not, we are naturally motivated to use our greatest assets.  The Seligman and Peterson research shows that when using your strengths, you can expect to experience:

• Increased happiness at home and at work.
• A sense of ownership and authenticity while using the strength.
• A rapid learning curve when using the strength.

Your top strengths, typically your top five, are considered your signature strengths.  Nurturing  your strengths is shown to be both energizing and satisfying.  Nurturing your strengths is linked to increased happiness. 

To reinforce a signature strength, practice it in a new way.  To get you started, here is an idea to practice for those with the most commonly held signature strengths.  These come from the article 340 Ways to Use Character Strengths by Tayyab Rashid and Aforze Anjum.

Kindness: Visit someone in the hospital or a nursing home.

Fairness: Encourage everyone’s participation in a discussion or activity including those who  may feel left out.

Honesty/Authenticity: Consider whether the actions you take over the next week match the words you use.

Gratitude: Express your gratitude without using the words thank you.

Open-Mindedness: Play the devil’s advocate by defending a position opposite from your own opinion.

Use your strengths in new and different ways.  Use them to learn more about yourself.  Use them to shape your life.

Find a Balance, Avoid Overuse

We use our signature strengths to enhance our lives.  To heighten the role they play , think about ways to balance your strengths.  At work, for example, you may choose to emphasize certain strengths over others.  You may vary how  you use each strength in your personal life and your working life.

Test how to use your strengths in different circumstances.  Sometimes that means using a little more or a little less.  Imagine, for example, an individual whose top strengths include humor and leadership.  Both can be used in positive and interesting ways at work and in personal life.  How much you choose to use one or the other will depend on circumstance.  Test it out to find what works best in your life.

Be aware that signature strengths might not fit every occasion.  While they may feel comfortable, monitor how you use them.  Just because they are your strengths doesn’t mean you might not overuse them. 

Overuse can happen.  A person may be so grateful and kind that they don’t act on their own behalf.  Another person might be so persistent, they may fail to notice danger.  Still another might be an overly strong leader when it comes to friendship.  It all comes back to degree, how much or how little works for a given activity.

StrengthsFinder

The Gallup Organization offers a strengths test that identifies talents in 34 themes.  This strength assessment is more often used for business purposes.  The StrengthsFinder results do not rank the 34 themes.  Instead, the results show each person’s top five talents.  There is no information about one’s weaker areas.  To take the StrengthsFinder test, you’ll need to purchase the book Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath.  Click on the title to be linked to the book on Amazon.com.  

Resources

Biswas-Diener, Robert (2010).  Practicing Positive Psychology Coaching: Assessment, Activities and Strategies for Success.  John Wiley & Sons.

Peterson, Christopher (2006). A Primer in Positive Psychology. Oxford University Press.

Peterson, Christopher & Seligman, Martin (2004).  Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification.  New York: Oxford University Press; Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.

Rashid, Tayyab & Afroze, Anjum (2005).  340 Ways to Use VIA Character Strengths.  Unpublished manuscript, University of Pennsylvania.

Rath, Tom (2007). Strengths Finder 2.0.  Gallup Press.

VIA Institute on Character.  Character Strength Summaries.  http://www.viacharacger.org.

Not a one of us likes to admit it.  We start life looking pretty great but then, one day, we spot that first grey hair and within about five minutes our whole head turns grey. 

Our once youthful glow is replaced by a seemingly random series of lines.  Well, yeah, they’re called wrinkles but they start out so innocently.  A few laugh lines showing we’re having a pretty great time in our lives.  Suddenly those happy lines deepen and instead of good cheer we’re showing our wisdom. 

Wisdom?  I’d be very happy to skip showing off just how wise I am if only I could get rid of a wrinkle or two.  At the very least, wouldn’t it be great if skin would stay nice and tight? 

Then, there is balding.  I just can’t imagine what it feels like to lose one’s hair.  Lose hair?  It sounds as if one was irresponsible and the hair just snuck away.  Can it be found?  Where was it lost?  Well, there is sort of a thinning process, one hair at a time. 

Those of us with abundance, lose hair all the time.  For those with thinning hair, each loss is so much more threatening.  Still, there are a lot of men out there whose pates are bald yet they remain incredibly attractive.  There is sort of a, well, I don’t know what to say about it, sort of a touchable side to baldness that adds to attractiveness.

While we’re on the subject of hair loss, some of us lose hair not through nature but because of chemicals.  Chemo to be exact.  The skull is a beautiful thing.  As an outsider, one who’s not actually lived it, I’ve viewed chemo baldness as an individual challenge thrown back at the cancer.  It is a testament that you will be using all your resources to best that darned cancer.

Some among us – and you know who you are – keep their youthful look.  Some can thank their genes for the fact that they look great year after year.  Some can thank good creams and lifelong exercise.  There are others among us who can thank their surgeon for that youthful, dewy wrinkle-free skin.

Whether it’s a blossoming waistline or a drooping neckline, perhaps the best thing we can do is to hold our head high and delight in the fact that those physical changes are badges of life fully lived.  Appreciate the miles our body has carried us.  Then, celebrate the fact that we are here and still dancing.

It doesn’t have to be New Years; we can set goals on any day of the year.  The time of year won’t drive our success.  What will help to ensure our success is the specifics of our goal.  In the case of goals, your success is definitely in the details.

How much detail?  A great deal.  The acronym that follows will be your guide to smart goal setting:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable/Action-Oriented

Realistic

Timely

The more detail you add to your goal, the greater the likelihood you’ll achieve your goal.  That means you need to say more than my goal is to be promoted this year.

To be specific means you’ll spell out all the steps you’ll take to get your promotion.  That means you’ll think about what it takes at your firm.  Think about the promotions you know of; then, figure out what prompted each promotion.  What performance review comments give you a clue to actions to take?  Will you need to take a class or work extra hours?  Perhaps you’ll need to take on a special project or make speeches at industry events. 

Describe the many steps to achieve your goal.  Use these to create your plan.  As you lay out your action plan, decide what defines success at each point of your plan.  Decide on the timing for each point on your plan. 

Once you have your plan prepared, become your devil’s advocate.  Are there holes in the plan?  How will you get that special project assignment?  When might that happen?  Is it realistic to think you’ll be able to achieve each point on your plan?  Does the timing satisfy you?  Is there another way? 

How long will it take you to complete the many points on the plan?  Determine whether your goal is a six-month project or a two-year project.  Adjust your plan to the reality and the timing of the details. 

As you plan, be sure to consider the possibility that you won’t reach your goal – ever or at the least in your timeframe.  Why might that happen?  Is there a way to correct for that?  What is your fallback plan? 

Once you’ve shaped your plan, it’s time to take action.  One of the greatest causes of failure in goal setting is the failure to get started.  Another cause for failure is the failure to measure progress.  Name specific check points on the road to your goal.  At those times, assess your progress using the measures you planned.  Sometimes a plan will need modification.  That’s okay.  If you see progress and the remainder of your plan is realistic, you are on the way to reaching your goal.

Not For Every Goal

Who will be successful using SMART as their goal attainment method?  Those whose goals do not require a personal change can use SMART successfully.

If your goal requires that you change a personal habit, you’ll need to use the change techniques at Change In Your Life.  If your goal calls for a diet or smoking cessation, for example, you are making a significant change.  That requires a different set of tools.

If, however, your goal is simple and you already have the personal habits and skills to make it happen, then the SMART tools may be right for you.

Assessment Tools

VIA Character Strengths Testing is free at:

• The founder of Positive Psychology’s Authentic Happiness website.  There you’ll find many assessment tools.  In addition to the VIA Character Strengths, you will find  the Satisfaction With Life Scale.  http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx.
• The home page for the VIA Character Strengths.  http://www.viacharacter.org.

Gallup, the research firm, offers a strengths assessment tool called StrengthsFinder 2.0.  This strengths assessment requires the purchase of the book of the same name.  Click here for the Amazon.com link. 

For a broader array of personality, interest and career tests for purchase, go to Personality Desk at http://www.personalitydesk.com.

Financial Knowledge and Planning

ACCION   A leader in microfinance, working throughout the world, headquartered in Boston.  Offers small business loans up to $50,000 and financial literacy education to small business owners in the US. 

WIFE, Women’s Institute for Financial Education, http://www.wife.org.  ; Dedicated to providing financial education for women on their way to financial independence.

WISER, Women’s Institute for a Secure Retirement   Dedicated to improving the long-term financial security of all women through education and advocacy.  Provide low and middle income women basic financial information in order to take financial control of their lives and increase awareness of the structural barriers that prevent women’s adequate participation in the nation’s retirement systems.

Grameen America   US microlending from Indonesian banker who won the Nobel Peace Prize.  Up to $2,200 to women only; establish groups of women who meet regularly and discuss their particular business; 99% repayment rate.

Grief

George Bonano, The Other Side of Sadness.  Pioneering bereavement and trauma researcher uncovers a new and more resilient side to grief.

Happiness Experts

Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness, A New Approach to Getting The Life You Want

Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project, Why I Spent A Year Trying To Sing In The Morning, CleanMy Closets, Fight Right, Read Artistotle, and Generally Have More Fun

Motivation, Goal-Setting  and Other Current Social Science Topics

Dan Ariely, The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie To Everyone – Especially Ourselves

Dan Ariely, Predictably Irrational, The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow, The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity, Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity and Thrive

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink, The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers, The Story of Success

Malcolm Gladwell, The Tipping Point, How Little Things Can Make A Big Difference

Heidi Grant Halvorson,  Nine Things Successful People Do Differently

Heidi Grant Halvorson,  Succeed, How We Can Reach Our Goals

Reid Hoffman, The Start-up of You, Adapt to the Future, Invest in Yourself and Transform Your Career

Sheena Iyengar, The Art of Choosing

Daniel Kahneman, Thinking Fast and Slow

Marianne LaFrance, Lip Service, Smiles in Life, Death, Trust, Lies, Work, Memory, Sex and Politics

Christopher Peterson, A Primer In Positive Psychology

Dan Pink, Drive, The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us

Dan Pink, A Whole New Mind, Why Right Brainers Will Rule The Future

James O. Prochaska,  Changing For Good, A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program For Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward

Tom Rath, Strengths Finder 2.0

Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness, Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment

Pain and Illness

Jon Kabat-Zin, Full Catastrophe Living, Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress

Okay, so you’re thinking about making a change in your life.  It’s true that life is much easier without change.  In fact, change can be a sure-fire road to upheaval.  But that’s okay, you say to yourself, you want the outcome.  The change you are planning is the kick-start to a completely new chapter in your life.  This change will be great.

Before You Begin, Ask Questions. Before you embark on changing a habit or making a new habit, ask yourself a lot of questions.  Be sure you understand your reasons for initiating change. 

• Why do you want to change?  Why now?
• For whom are you changing?  Is it for you, for someone else or for no one in particular?
• What will happen if you decide not to change?
• Have you tried to make this change before?  What happened?
• What will make you successful this time?
• Once you’ve changed, what will be different?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how committed are you?

Cheerlead Yourself.  You are making this change for yourself, right?  That’s why you are the only valid cheerleader as you progress through your stages of change.  It’s unlikely you’ll be successful if you seek validation from anyone other than you.  After all, you made the commitment to yourself.

It’s nice to give yourself credit for your hard work.  It doesn’t need to be big.  Simply give yourself a nod, a wink and a great work mental message.  You can do that as you return from your thirty-minute walk or as you mark another day without drink on your calendar. 

It is not time, however, for the big congratulations you’ll extend yourself when you complete your plan.  You are only mid-stage, part of the way to your goal.  Social scientist, Peter Gollwitzer, found that too much mid-course adulation may confuse your brain.  Instead of understanding that you are giving a mid-course thumbs up, your brain may think you’ve reached your goal.  That’s when your brain eases its effort and you can go astray.  So, cheerlead your progress but in a modest manner.

Define Your Goal.  If your purpose isn’t clear, it isn’t going to happen.  Your actual path to your end goal is paved with all the tiny and necessary steps you’ll take to get there.  Losing track and getting off the path is so easy unless you’ve marked your path with very clear markers.  Get very specific about each step in your plan.  Make it graphic.  

Downright Difficult Days.  These days happen.  There’s no getting around it, we run into days that just aren’t our best.  Plan for them.  Know what it is you’ll do when you encounter the doldrums.  Whatever the change you seek, have the words and the actions ready to counter the reduced willpower brought on by bad days.  What action(s) will keep you from falling off your plan?  What words will guide you through a troublesome day?  Be prepared.

Multiple Goals.  When we choose to make a change, whether it’s to exercise more, to stop drinking or something else, we don’t do it in a vacuum.  We’re making the change while the rest of our life is happening.  That means you are also working on other goals.  What?  You want to focus on just this one change?  Well, that can’t happen.  This is the real world of change – life happens while we are changing. 

That means that before you embark on any big change, you take a look at all your other life goals.  Your job needs your attention, aren’t you shooting for a big promotion?  Your kids must have your attention, their well-being is one of your most committed goals.  Your hockey team needs your amazing defense; you are shooting for the championship, aren’t you?  Oh yes, your choral group has a gig later this month and you want it to be your best performance.

Social scientist Peter Gollwitzer suggests we blend our many life goals.  How you handle your job, your hockey playing and your chorus work are great examples for your children; they’ll learn from it.  Your hockey, your work, your children and your chorus group are so demanding that you’ll never have time to remember that you aren’t smoking.  The facets of our lives are intertwined.  As you plan for change, plan it in a way that each part of your life supports the others.

Reframe.  The tough thing about change is that you have developed many habits in support of the thing you want to change.  Smoking is not just a habit, you also have smoking routines and rituals that stimulate your desire for a cigarette.  It becomes automatic and habitual.  You even identify as a smoker.  What can you do in mounting a change effort so that your brain accepts the new version of you. 

Our brain is wired to find balance, especially when confronted by opposites.  If we lived our life as a sporting spectator, how do we suddenly introduce an active sport into our routine?  How do we explain it to our brain?  It’s a matter of degree, as we reframe an important descriptor of our very being. 

The sporting spectator/couch potato will need to explain to themselves exactly why they are training for a three mile walk.  When your mind is trying to balance couch potato with vigorous walking, the brain seeks to correct the incongruity.       

It’s your story.  Your entire life is your story.  If you’ve created your persona around your couch potato-ness, then add to your story as the fastest couch potato jogger on the block.  Shape your story to make it fit the life you choose.

Rewards.  As noted under cheerleading above, verbal congratulations are good.  However, don’t go overboard lest your brain think you are finished, you’ve accomplished your goal.  That is especially true of tangible rewards.  Delaying tangible rewards until you’ve reached your goal will help you keep your high energy and focus.

Self Dialog.  We all thrive with a good coach.  For making a personal change, be your own coach.  Congratulate yourself on your successes.  Monitor the environment for unexpected barriers.  Reframe as needed.  Alter your environment to avoid risk. 

Setting Your Stage.  The world around you isn’t going to change just because you’ve decided to.  There will always be couch potatoes, smokers and drinkers.  Whether you choose to join them or not is just that, your choice.

The only person doing the changing is you and that means you’ll need to prepare your surroundings so your change works best for you.  That may mean removing the prompts.  That may mean storing the martini pitcher, giving extra bottles of alcohol away, getting rid of chips and dips and bags of candy and generally readying your home and workplace.

At the same time, develop lists of replacement items.  If you love the crunch of chips, load up on a crunch food that fits with your new diet.  Do whatever you need to do to make yourself a success.

Use Your Strengths.  Use the character strengths you uncovered in Your Personal Strengths to ease your path to change.   

One of the most powerful techniques for making a successful change is If-Then Planning.  It’s likely you’ve used the process in your life but may not have given it a name.  Here, we’ll use the name because the name tells you exactly what to do.

The fact is, you can use if-then planning to reach just about any goal you set in life.  Here, of course, we’ll use it for making successful changes.  To begin, let’s look at what it is:

If is a situation that could lead to falling off your change plan.  For example, a dieter might easily fall off their plan in a buffet line laden with cheeses and casseroles and breads and desserts.  All the wrong foods for their diet.

Then is the action you planned for that specific circumstance.  The dieter’s then might be that they’ll only choose vegetables and lean meats.  They could even plan     to choose fruit when they reach the desserts.  They prepared their mind to know how to manage the event before it even happened.

Our dieter imagined all the situations that might block her from her goal.  She then made a plan of action to foil each possible situation. 

If-then is one of the tactics I used when I quit smoking.  I thought of all the places and times that would make me want a cigarette.  With coffee in the morning, with a cocktail in the evening and so on.  That prepared me for the inevitable drink with friends.  My brain recognized the situation, If I’m having cocktails with friends.  Immediately, my brain recalled the action I’d planned, then, I’ll tell myself not right now, think about it again in fifteen minutes.  The fifteen-minute segments were but one part of my quit smoking plan.  For the other methods I used, read Fifteen-Minute Wins.  Oh, and why fifteen minutes?  In the early days, that was about as long as I could manage without a cigarette.

Before you begin any change, you’ll have considered all the barriers to change (see The Stages of Change).  For every barrier and any other circumstance you imagine might stand in the way of your change, create if-then plans.  Perhaps you and a friend enjoy cheesecake together.  That needs an if-then plan, why not start a new kind of dining tradition?  Perhaps you enjoy a cigarette during your 8AM staff meeting – it’s a virtual meeting so no one knows you are smoking..  That needs an if-then plan.

There are ways to enhance your if-then planning success.  Goal attainment social scientist, Peter Gollwitzer, finds that goals in our lives are important for guiding our behavior.  He offers this advice for increasing your if-then success:

• Be committed.  Half-hearted attempts wear us down physically and mentally.  Fully commit to your goal and your plan and you are well on your way. 
• Make a plan to get started.  One of the greatest reasons for failure is the failure to begin.  Plan for that.
• Be specific.  When you break your goal into its many tiny steps and then apply if-then planning, you’ve multiplied your likelihood of success.
• Expect the unexpected.  Other goals and life events can create sudden and surprising barriers.  Be prepared to adapt.  At the same time, blend your various life goals so they are mutually supportive.

Interestingly, Gollwitzer’s research showed that simply writing the goal is only weakly  related to success with goals. 

It’s A Matter of Degree

Often, we have habits that support the habit we might want to change.  That means we’ll need to change the support habits as well.  That doesn’t mean radical change; instead, it’s all a matter of degree.  If you celebrate your week’s end in a bar and you’ve decided to quit drinking or smoking, then change the venue.  Think of all the other spots where people congregate – coffee houses, a dance club, a health club.  Be the leader who finds other fun things to do.  It may feel different but that’s okay, you are working to make a difference in your life.

If-Then For Other Purposes

If-then is a terrific teaching tool for children and young people.  It’s the very same process.  If a specific situation occurs, then this is the action and the words you use.  It prepares young people for the unexpected.  They are ready with the right answer before the situation presents itself.

If I am driving, then my phone is put away. 

If a stranger approaches me, then I walk away.

It’s also a terrific planning tool for the ordinary but necessary parts of one’s day.

If I am doing my homework, then I don’t check for texts or messages.

If I feel irritated by a coworker, then I will take a break and a speed-walk to get the irritation out of me. 

While it’s a seemingly simple word, there is much to be said about change.  In this section, you’ll read about three kinds of change.

Personal change.  Whether it’s making a new habit or breaking an old one, personal change is never easy.  Add to that the fact that there are many theories and approaches to change makes personal change and that makes it all the harder.  We’re hoping to demystify change in our articles.   
Each of us is unique.  That means we don’t all respond to the same things.  That is why you’ll find several articles on change. 

You’ll discover there is a process for change – the Stages of Change.  The stages remain the same for every kind of change.  On the other hand, for each stage, you have lots of choice so you can make change happen in a way that works best for you. 
How do you change a habit in your life?  Before you decide to make a personal change, find the tools and techniques that work for you.  That’s how you’ll be successful.

Physical change.  While it always comes as a surprise, we understand that our body ages and changes.  Sometimes physical change is visible in the form of grey hair or wrinkles.  Other times, our physical change is not something we can see.  In addition to regular medical check-ups for the seemingly hidden changes, daily exercise, diet and rest are our primary methods for managing physical change.  

External change.  Change happens in the world, in our work, in our cultural and social institutions.  We are seemingly surrounded by change.  Some external changes can feel good, some may not generate any sensation and still others can make us frightened or anxious.  Usually, these changes are outside our control.  The only thing we can really control about external change is how we respond to the changes.

Here are some tips for managing stress in a time of never-ending external change.

Change seems to come at the speed of light, maybe even faster.  One minute, we’re all e-mailing like crazy, the next minute e-mailing is out and instead, we tweet.  Entire countries overturn leaders in a matter of weeks.  We read on electronic pads – no more books or newspapers for us. 

Change is happening at work as well.  When did our jobs become 24/7?  When did it become necessary to check for messages during non-working hours?  As a friend recently said when asked if he could check his calendar for an online conference call at midnight, “I usually pencil in sleep at that hour.”

We are global.  We are connected.  We are racing through life as fast as we can but it feels as if we’re just not keeping up.  Is that what we’re supposed to do, to hurry through our lives?  At some point, we all get weary; we all feel the stress of the pace and the change.  What to do?

To begin, let’s think about what change is. 

• Some changes are huge and immediate; other changes are small and happen over time.
• Some change is expected; other change is unexpected and surprising.
• Some change is positive and has a good result while other types of change can produce a negative result. 
• Some change forces us to change as individuals.

Next, let’s consider what change feels like – what are the physical and emotional sensations that result from change.  Think of a straight line.  At one end are the people who feel even the smallest of changes.  They tend to be change-averse, resisting any kind of change.  Change-averse people experience change in their bodies, for example, as anxiety or an adrenalin rush, and change in their minds as, for example, anger, betrayal or burnout.   

At the far other end of the line are the change-accepting individuals who are able to embrace change and adapt to it.  For some, change can be energizing.

• Some change feels as if it is small and incidental causing only minor sensations.  Other change may feel immense and dramatic causing a sense of upheaval.  Some change can feel very personal. 

Enough!  We know what change is and we certainly know what it feels like.  Some of us would like to stop the merry-go-round and others would notch it up to a greater speed.  What do we do about our individual response to ever-present change?

As we’ve said, change can be experienced in the body and in the mind.  That gives us two avenues for managing the stress of change in our lives – mind-based techniques and physically based techniques. 

Mind-based stress and change management techniques:

• If-then triggers.  Plan ahead by creating scenarios that show you how you want to handle a possible situation.   Here’s an example.  If I start to get angry because the change is making me do things differently, then I’ll remember to laugh out-loud, shrug my shoulders and say to myself, “this new thing is not my way but I’ll give it a chance.” Here’s the link to a deeper look at the “if-then” technique.  Planning “If-then” responses gives you the chance to anticipate your reaction just as it allows you to coach yourself through a difficult moment. 
• Reframe the change.  Reframing allows you to see things differently.  That does not mean you have to see things in a radically different way.  Instead, reframing is often a matter of degree. 
• Deep breathing and meditation.  If the change in your life feels as if it’s exceeded your capacity, then stop to take a breath.  Then, take another breath.  Experiment and find the breathing technique that works best for you when you are suddenly confronted by anxiety or stress.  At the same time, learn to take some quiet time every day to find your center, to recover your balance.  Whether it’s ten minutes or more, a quiet mental time helps you regain your center.  
• Be specific about what is making you anxious or stressed.  Is it fear of something new or the unknown?  If so, try to imagine what will actually happen if what you fear happens.  If it is a realistic concern, prepare for it. 
• Talk it out.  Share your anxiety and concerns with a loving spouse, family member or friend.  Sometimes, our angst is lightened when we put it into words.

Physically based stress and change management techniques:

• Exercise.  There’s nothing better to manage a build-up of adrenalin or anxiety than a good workout.  Daily exercise helps you find a constant balance.  On the other hand, if a sudden bout of anxiety or adrenalin needs management, consider excusing yourself for a strenuous walk around the block.  
• Breathing.  At the onset of a bout with adrenalin or anxiety, take a moment and breathe deeply.  Quiet your mind and allow the moment to pass.  To regulate your breathing, consider adding a meditative practice to your daily routine. 
• Diet.  That’s right – avoid sugary food and drink.  To manage anxiety or stress-filled sensations, think of an apple or carrot to give you a satisfying crunch without a sugary high.

Have you been wavering, trying to make a decision but you just can’t decide?  While it won’t give you the answer, using Circles of Control can be helpful.  Why?  With Circles of Control, you’ll actually figure out what must happen to reach your goal and you’ll figure out who controls each of the steps to your goal. 

It may seem backwards, but with Circles of Control, you’ll start at the end, at what it is you want to actually happen.  Here are the steps in Circles of Control. 

1. What do you want to happen, in other words, what is your goal?  To begin, ask yourself what it is you want to happen.  Are you trying to decide between job offers?  Or, are you and your spouse deciding to begin a family?  What about deciding to buy a home?  Whatever your outcome, see it clearly.  Make it come alive in your mind. 
2. What makes your goal meaningful to you?  What are the attributes of your objective that are most meaningful to you?  When deciding between job offers, for example, there are many points to consider.  Naturally, the details of the job itself will be important.  Does it use your greatest strengths?  Is there a pathway for promotion and growth?  What is the pay? What about the company, is it thriving, is it prestigious? What makes your goal meaningful to you?
3. List the steps to reach your outcome.  With your goal and the reasons it is important in mind, list all the steps necessary for you to reach your goal.  Remember that there is never a single straight path to an outcome.  Think of all the different routes you can take to get to your outcome.  Add those to your list.  Why?  Because you may need to alter your path somewhat as you determine the degree of control you have at each step. 
4. Assign levels of control to each step to your outcome.   For every step to your goal, decide between Direct Control, is it an action you can take where you are certain of the result? Influential Control, are you able to influence the person other than yourself, who has direct control? or No Control, an action where neither you nor another can exert control.
   A quick way to think about the circles of control is to think about the money you need for a trip.  You would have direct control over the money you need by saving a specific amount of money each month.  You would have influential control over the money you need for the trip if you decided to ask someone for the money.  You would have no control over the money you need for the trip if you decided you’d get it by winning the lottery.
5. Reality checks.  Every step to your outcome must be possible.  A regular reality check is helpful as you examine the level of control for each step of your planned journey.
6. Is anything in your No Control circle a barrier to your goal?  For the steps over which you have no control, determine if it is a barrier to your goal.  If the step is necessary to reach your goal but you have no control over making it happen, you’ll need to look at alternative paths to your outcome. 
7. Keep an eye on each step to your goal.  Surprisingly, steps to your goal or outcome can change.  Sometimes a No Control step can change to an Influential Control step.  Other times, a Direct Control can slide to a No Control.  Until you reach your goal, be sure to keep an eye on your degree of control for each step. 

Now that you’ve identified the steps to your outcome and who holds control for each step, it’s time to put your plan into action.

Two friends were walking through the desert. 

During the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other in the face.

The one who was slapped was hurt.  Without saying anything, she wrote in the sand,

                Today, my best friend slapped me in my face.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis where they decided to take a bath.

The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started to drown but was saved by their friend.

After recovering from the near drowning, she wrote on a stone,

                Today, my best friend saved my life.

The friend who had slapped and saved her best friend asked, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand but now you write on a stone.  Why?”

The friend replied, “When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where the winds of forgiveness can blow it away.  When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can erase it.”

Impressions are made in a matter of seconds.  It doesn’t mean we’re judgmental.  Quite simply, our brains are wired to quickly judge everything we encounter on our daily journey.  It comes from early history when existence relied on constant and careful scanning of the environment – it was a matter of survival.

An interesting twist, however, is the fact that we don’t encounter ourselves during our day.  It was never necessary for survival.  Today, we might glance in a mirror or see ourselves reflected in a window.  What do we see?  We see ourselves and that feels safe so we may not consider what others see.

Sometimes, it’s important to see ourselves in the light of our surroundings.  It can make a difference when we wonder about our impression on others.  Our attire and demeanor for our job is likely different from our attire and demeanor when meeting a friend for a workout.  Sometimes, we need to see ourselves a little differently. 

Consider the story of Yvette.  Yvette asked to be considered for the product management job available at her company.  The immediate response?  Everyone agreed that Yvette was super smart, a hardworking administrative assistant.  But, product management? 

Yvette had masked her intelligence and hard working habits with her ongoing dialog about late night partying, by the fact that her hair color changed weekly, that she wore pink satin tennis shoes.  She’d not allowed anyone to experience her in a professional light. 

After a few words of advice, she began to include work-related subjects in her conversations and she modified her look.  At the same time, she took on a few product management-like projects.  In no time, she was gaining acceptance as a strong employee with a future.      

How did Yvette’s story play out?  She was promoted in small increments but she didn’t stay at the company.  Instead, Yvette realized that she could use her good work habits and her intelligence in a field right up her own alley – she opened her own day spa.

The way we present ourselves is a personal choice over which we have direct control.  However, we only have influential control over how others see us.  We can decide on a smile over a frown, we can choose a strong handshake over a limp-wristed handshake.  We can decide how we present ourselves but we can only influence how we are received by others.  We cannot get in that other person’s head.  We don’t know if their seeming distraction is a family problem or their cheeriness is a rare moment in time.  

We can prepare ourselves for the occasions of our lives.  We individually decide what our personal success looks like.  We then create our unique path to success controlling our personal presentation while allowing for the fact that we can only influence others’ impressions.

God, even while my heart is crying,
You fill me with your grace and blessings.

Mine is a life of “simple abundance”¹,
It is a life full with the greatest riches.

While never having a traditional family,
My family blossoms.

Every chapter in my book of life
Mixes magnificence with mystery and sometimes misery.

Through the tears of pain I see you fill my heart
And I know that the seeds of blessings-to-come you have sown.

Thank you, God.

¹  The title of a book by Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort & Joy

With open hearts, we embrace those in life we hold most dear.  We cherish them.  They are a vital part of our life. 

Sometimes our love comes slowly with a long marriage or, as a child ages, a wiser and more mature love for their parents.  Sometimes, it’s a love borne of relations – of course, you love your siblings, your cousin and your aunt and, it turns out, you do.  Friendships can blossom, deepen and endure over time. Sometimes, though, love comes in an instant with the birth of a child or a star-crossed love across the room.  Often, our hearts know before our minds.  The face of our child, the inner recognition of a simpatico relationship, often, these begin with inner sensations.  

For some people in our lives, our love or affection deepens over time.  The measure of our love for each person in our life is often different.  For some, we share deep bonds of affinity, less so for others.  Some we see daily, sharing words, laughter and ordinary everyday experiences.  Yet, those of our daily life may not be the only ones for whom our heart holds deep feelings. 

Whether near or far, there are those whom we’ll always love most deeply.  We express our love through communication.  We experience our love of another with our feelings and with our mind.  It doesn’t disappear because the object of our affections is attending college in another state or lives in another city.  Our love and care remains alive, it is a shared bond that doesn’t disappear when miles intervene.  Our communication sustains us when miles separate. 

Where does that deep love go when, sadly, someone we love leaves us through death?  Our love doesn’t disappear, it doesn’t leave us.  The love shared remains alive within us.  Sadly, the interaction and communication no longer occur.  The loving relationship doesn’t stay apace with the world’s changes though sometimes our minds imagine what they’d be like in present day.

For some, the love experienced sustains them into future years.  While missing the human presence, they allow their mind and memories to appease their loss.  It doesn’t make their loss easier; their loss is immense.  With time, though, they learn to keep the one they loved with them through the days of their life.

Some who’ve experienced loss, choose to build a monument or support others’ monuments in the memory of the one’s they loved.  Mothers Against Drunk Driving unites all who’ve lost one they’ve loved to a powerful memorial cause.  Susan G. Komen unites many who’ve lost a loved one to breast cancer.  The Polly Klaas Foundation works to prevent child abduction and assists in the search for abducted children.  We can walk, ride bikes or run marathons in honor of those we’ve loved and lost.  

For some, the loss challenges their very existence.  Finding a life beyond the loss may mean a good-bye they’re unable to accept. 

While the paths we follow after losing a loved one differ, the fact of the love remains strong.  Love has not disappeared.

Imagine a field of red tulips.  If you’d prefer, make it a field of yellow tulips.  In your mind’s eye, see those tulips of a single color for as far as you can see.  Then, imagine there’s one white tulip in your field of red.  Or, see a purple tulip in your field of yellow.  Long thought to be the perfect flower, tulip folklore tells of growers planting one bulb of another color to prove the field was planted by man who isn't perfect. 

Many of us seek perfection every single day.  We don’t plant that extra bulb in our lives.  We don’t allow for the purple amongst the yellows or the white amongst the reds.  Instead, we wear the mantle of perfection, seeking to “have it all” and do it right. 

It’s a hallmark of today’s life.  We pack our lives with work and family and a load of commitments.  At the same time, we won’t settle for anything less than doing it all perfectly.  That’s the challenge.  Without a staff, without a team of helpers and assistants, it’s never easy to take on a heavy load of commitments and expect perfection. 

Taking on an extreme load can lead to an imbalanced life.  While we can manage an extreme and imbalanced load for a time, maybe a year or two, often there’s a point when one or more of the commitments suffers from our depleted energy.  

Where do we get this inclination to over-commit and then expect perfection?  Often, it comes from fiction.  That’s right, we see movies and television shows, we read books and magazines, all loaded with stories that glamorize extreme commitment making it seem possible.  It’s easy to absorb the message and expect extreme perfection of ourselves. 

It is also human nature.  We naturally want to do everything well.   Instead of chastising yourself, consider ways to moderate your demands for perfection.  Here are some considerations:

1. Reconsider your life's timing.  If perfection is your preference, emphasize chosen life goals at different stages in your life.  If, for example, you want to have a family and a terrific career, consider gaining strong career experience before you start your family.  Then, reduce your career commitments during your child-raising period, returning to heavier career commitment at a later point.  You’ll find your need for perfection is more easily managed when you aren’t trying to do it all at the same time.

2.  Be certain you value the commitments you’ve taken on.  Many of us are inveterate yes-sayers.  When asked to help out, to lend a hand, it's hard to imagine a response other than yes.  Review your commitments annually.  Hold on to those you value but, if they are consuming more time than you have, find a new or different way to express your commitment.  Weed-out or reduce your engagement in areas where you feel luke-warm.

3. No one knows what you’ve planned.  Your vision of perfection may not be the same as others.  Your expectations may exceed those of many.  Whether they do or not, keep watch on meeting extreme expectations.  At the same time, infuse the commitments you do accept with your personal style.  Your spouse or partner, your children, your family and friends, even your employer understand the essence of you.  If you take one item off your “must do to be perfect list”, it will not change your essence.  Besides, it's likely they won't notice that one item on your mental list of musts is missing – only you knew it was there. 

4. Add the bell-shaped curve to your thinking.  That’s right!  You remember, the bell-shaped curve showing that a tiny number of people are at the “best” and “worst” ends of any question.  Most people, about 96%, will usually fall into the center.  It’s okay to shoot for the upper end without maxing to the extreme of perfection.

5. Remember to take a breath, smile and appreciate the white tulip in your field of perfect red.

We’ve heard the phrase a thousand times.  We heard it as children, we use it as parents.  Because it’s been around for so long, the power of its message can sometimes be lost.

For children, one of their first thoughts will always be the shoes.  Are they cowboy boots, flip-flops or sneakers?  Could I make it a whole mile in those shoes?  As adults, we’re wizened and understand that it takes time and effort to know another person.  Except, we live in a fast-paced world that requires quick decisions and rapid-fire judgment all the time.  It is harder and harder to stop, to take a moment and wonder what lies beneath the surface.

There's the homeless person who's always on the side of the road.  His sign speaks for his family, he’s begging for his family.  Depending on our day, our mood, the latest news flash on the economy, even the weather, we smile or nod, we avoid looking at them, we frown at them or we roll down our window and hand over a dollar or two. 

Our reaction might be one of fear.  Deep down, do we worry, "Could that happen to me?"  Others may feel disdain or disgust wondering, "Why aren’t they working?  Surely, they could be doing something more constructive than begging."  Still others may fear they are dirty and maybe even germy.  How often do we wonder what set them on the road to homelessness? 

Every day we pass people on the streets but do we see them?  Every day we speak with people but what do we learn about them?  Often, we make our instant assessment because that’s all the time we have.  Add to that the fact that it is human nature to retain our first impression of people we meet or encounter.

Consider the story of a professional woman at a conference.  She’s in her mid-fifties.  Her hair is well-styled, her dress and jacket are beautiful.  She seems just a little heavy for her height but she certainly stands erect.  Her smile is warm and engaging. 

During a break, standing in the crowded hallway, she chats with others.  She starts a conversation with a young woman whom, she soon learns, holds high career aspirations.  The woman shares thoughts and advice as the younger woman tells of her experience and goals.  Near the end of the conversation, the thirty-something young woman says, “I am so envious of you and your life.  You are so successful.  You have a really great life. It’s exactly what I want.” The mid-fifties woman smiles, thanks the younger woman for the compliment and then wishes her success with her dreams. 

As the younger woman moves on, the elder woman marvels at the innocence of the words.  The younger woman could not know that sudden death had just taken the elder woman’s beloved husband, that a recent spinal fusion meant she was wearing a thick plastic body cast beneath her dress, that financial circumstance threatened her future.

We are practiced at putting on a good front.  It makes it easier for those around us.  We also expect a game face from others.  When that face isn’t there or it seems out of synch with our world, we don’t always take the time to wonder what it’s like to walk in their shoes.  We know what the world expects to see in terms of demeanor and we do it. 

People can appear so put together, so on top of life.  We can’t imagine that anything could intrude on seeming perfection.  That's not how it works.  Life’s challenges confront us all.  Many amongst us courageously carry a burden while also carrying on with life.  We cannot know whether the person seated next to us has shoes lined in velvet or nails.  We cannot know.  Nor do we need to know. 

Especially today, in our sometimes topsy-turvy world, leading with compassion and acceptance can change the course of human encounter.  It's not necessary for us to know a life story before we offer a warm smile and a kind word or gesture.

We landed in San Francisco, we rented a car and we’ve already crossed the Bay Bridge on the trip of a lifetime.  My nerves are a-twitter; in fact, I’m quaking.  Fortunately, Don is at my side.  He brings me calm.  He’s with me on every step of this incredible journey.

We’re almost newlyweds, Don and I.  I hadn’t found the love of my life til friends introduced us on a New Year’s Eve blind date.  I was fifty and had never married.  He’d been divorced for a few years.  We clicked immediately.  Within months we were married and soon found we were a poster couple for mid-life love and marriage.

We’d already explored together, investigating the back roads in Italy til we found his dad’s birth home.  But this trip, the one we’re on right now, is so much more than a trip.  Look!  We’re on her street!  With each passing house we are closer .... there it is! The woman who lives in that home is my daughter ... whom I’ve not seen since her infancy 32, almost 33 years ago.

Not one day passed in all those years, not one single day, when I didn’t pray for my daughter, send mental messages to my daughter, think and wonder where she was, what she looked like, what she was doing.  I wondered about her health.  I thought about her happiness.  I imagined her first everythings, her first steps, her first teeth.  I even wondered about her first words though I knew she would never hear her words.  So many prayers, so many mental messages of love; they started before she was born and continue right up to today.

Yes, as a college girl in the 1960's, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl - out of wedlock.  From the start, I knew that marriage to her father was not a long-term solution.  I knew my child would be a great blessing in a warm and loving two-parent home - something I could not then provide.   That perfect plan was soon stopped short with the mid-60's measles epidemic.  The second half of my pregnancy was endless worry for my child’s health.

How I wished for a manual on making adult choices.  Where were the instructions on how to think this through?  It was my first major adult decision and my child’s entire future rested in my hands.  What were the questions?  What choices should I make?  How would I ever know the right answers?  I was at a complete loss.  I was obsessed, trying to imagine every conceivable choice. 

Finally, I tried out a logic process I’d learned in a class.  I adapted a simple system and that system kept me focused on what I wanted to accomplish, on my goal -- and that helped me figure out the choices needed to reach my goal.  I thought of it as my circles of control. 

Circles of Control

You might find circles of control useful when making a big life choice.  To start, you decide on your desired outcome – what is it you want to happen?  Next, you figure out all the steps you need to take to get to that outcome.  Finally, figure out how much control you have over each step that needs to be taken.  Decide whether you have direct control, influential control or no control over each step that needs to happen.  Your success depends on correctly gauging how much control you have over each step to your goal.

Let’s try it out.  What is your goal?  What do you want for your outcome?  For me, the answer was simple, I wanted what would be best for my child.  For this process, I chose to ignore my preferred outcome and her father’s preferred outcome.  The outcome I envisioned was simply what was best for my child. 

First, you envision the outcome.

Now, wishing won’t get us to our goal.  In my circumstance, I knew I couldn’t wish this away.  This was far too real.  There’s a big difference between talking to God and wishing.  Praying is for guidance, for a path, for God’s blessings.  God wasn’t going to fix this for me; rather, he would be my guide.  So, no to wishing, yes to praying for guidance and blessings. 

The No Control Circle

Besides, I’d have no control over the outcome if all I did was wish.  Draw a circle and name it no control.  Into my no control circle, I placed the things I wished for but couldn’t actually make happen.  Along with wishes, I placed my feelings about my child’s father in the no control circle.  We liked each other a lot, we had fun together but our core values and goals were like night and day.  Those feelings I put into my no control circle. 

The Direct Control Circle

Draw a second circle and name it direct control. This is a great circle; it’s where you list all the steps to your outcome over which you have direct control. These are the things you can personally make happen.  For example, you have direct control over the way you do your hair and the clothes you wear, you have direct control over the words you choose and whether you smile or frown.  

Into my direct control circle, I added the choice of the medical team; I wanted the best care for my baby.  I also added my decision to follow every ‘healthy pregnancy’ recommendation.  Into my direct control circle, I added my study of children born with rubella – that’s what it’s called when the mother has measles during pregnancy.  I learned a lot and what I learned scared me.  Most troubling, I learned that my child could be considered medically unadoptable if any of the measles outcomes actually occurred.  My choice of adoption might be compromised. 

Suddenly, adoption slid out of my control; it went from my influential control circle to my no control circle.  That's what makes big decisions so hard – levels of control can change unexpectedly.  It’s important you keep a very close eye on all the steps to your goal. 

The Influential Control Circle

Draw your third circle and call it influential control.  This is the last of the circles of control.  In this circle, list all the steps to your goal over which someone else has control.  To reach your goal, you will need to influence the person who has direct control.  For example, you may be able to influence your boss with the quality of your work, but it is your boss who will decide whether she is satisfied.  Your boss has direct control while you have influential control.

I had influential control over my child’s father agreeing to adoption.  He had direct control over his decision.  Because good medical care was crucial, I worked to gain influential control over my health care team by following all their guidelines.  At the start, I had influential control during my meetings with the adoption agency personnel; medical tests changed that.

At last, my precious daughter was born.  Immediately after her birth, medical tests were begun. The results?  She was in perfect health except for profound deafness.  Deafness.  She’ll never hear a loving word, never know the joy of music.  This was devastating.  The private adoption agencies would surely say no, they would not place her for adoption.  My daughter needed a home and a mom, a mom to be with her during the day, a mom to teach her to communicate.  How would I ever work to provide for her? 

Never defeated, I asked the state adoption agency if they knew of a family who would love to adopt a beautiful infant girl who happened to be deaf.  Their reply was an astounding yes.  Yes, they knew of a childless couple who taught deaf children.  Yes, this couple wanted to adopt a beautiful deaf daughter.  What a blessing.  A mom and a dad for my daughter, to teach her, to love her.  The goal I’d envisioned for my daughter, a loving home with loving parents was miraculously coming true.  My circles of control had helped with the logic of my plan.  My prayers for guidance, for a path to the best outcome for my daughter, were answered. 

Decision-Making 101

We don’t waken one morning knowing the English language; we don’t waken one morning able to run a marathon or even a 10K.  No, these things take time – it’s a process.  So, too, we don’t waken one morning with the “rule book” for adulthood.  In place of the wished-for adult decision-making manual, the circles of control helped me make choices, choices I could only pray were the right choices. 

Back to that momentous trip.  We knocked on her door and a man answered, her husband.  We could tell he was just as excited, welcoming us with his great, warm smile.  He invited us into their living room and soon my daughter entered, my child whom I’ve loved in my mind all these years.  I’m now holding her, patting her hair, looking into her eyes.  She’s a beauty, a loving beauty.  She’s all grown up!  She’s 32!  She’s even been married longer than I have. 

We sit close to each other.  I simply could not take my eyes off her.  We hold hands but that needed to stop because she was signing to her husband and he was signing back to her.  He’s a hearing man; he translated her words for Don and me; he translated in sign language for my daughter.  Sign language!  She can’t hear!  While I’d known that intellectually, now I knew it in fact.  This was real.  

A tiny woman - five foot tall with golden curly hair.  Oh, my, I’ve never had a curl in my life.  Still, I see my family's eyes and our smile.  I nod inside.  Yes, this is my daughter . . . my daughter!  I have a daughter, a son-in-law and two grandchildren! 

Never, oh, never say never.  Follow your inner voice.  Be honest with yourself.  Listen carefully. Never stop believing.  Believe in miracles.  Believe in surprises.  Believe in all the blessings of this bountiful world.  Believe in never-imagined gifts and graces.  Use your circles of control for life choices.  Then follow your path and believe. 

Whatever your age, you’ve lived enough life to be able to reflect on your experience.  As you look back, you can name each period of your life. Some of us recall chronologically – teens, twenties and on.  Others think of life periods by their highlights and experiences – school years, dating years, engagement and first married years and on.  Some like to give name to their life chapters to feature the highlights – Falling In Love With Bill or My Starter Job At The Trib.

Much like a book, these life periods are your chapters, your chapters in life.  Each chapter is a group of years where there is something in common.  Why, you wonder, would you do that?  Before moving forward, it’s helpful to look back using your experience as a future guide.

As inspiration for your reflection, here’s the link to Stanley Kunitz’ poem about looking back before embarking on a new life chapter, The Layers.  Kunitz wrote The Layers when he was 80; at 95, he became U.S. poet laureate. 

Looking back.

For each of the chapters you’ve lived, consider the things that made that chapter unique.  Some chapters will be loaded with high points and a few challenges.  Other chapters may be heavily weighted by worry or problems.  

• For each of these chapters, name the best and worst aspects. 
• For each of these chapters, identify the origin of the good and the bad features. 
• For each of these chapters, name your greatest successes and your biggest mistakes. 
• For each of these chapters, what happened that you want to happen again in the future? 
• For each of these chapters, remind yourself of the aspects you don’t want repeated in your future. 
• Finally, ask yourself what didn’t happen in any of your chapters that you want in your life.

Looking ahead.

The wisdom you’ve gained through everyday living helps to inform the choices and decisions you will make in your future years.  With the high and low points, the positives and the negatives, the wins and losses of your life experience in mind, you are prepared for future planning. 

With your greatest successes in mind, recall the actions you took that made for success.  Have you repeated your successful actions?  How can you repeat your successful actions in your future years?  Name your most successful actions and use them in your future.  Naming things or assigning them an image is a great recall device.

With your biggest mistakes in mind, remember what you did that caused the mistake or failure.  Have you repeated the mistakes or failures?  Wonder what you can do to avoid making similar missteps.  As with your successes, name your failures in a way that helps you remember the actions you’d prefer not to repeat.  If your mistakes are the result of a habit you wish to change, visit Change in Your Life on this site.

Finally, list the things you want to repeat in the future, the things you’d like to avoid in the future and the things that haven’t yet happened that you want to experience.  Use these lists to help shape your plans for your future.

The life chapter’s you’ve lived shine a light on the life chapter’s you’ve yet to experience.   

For a deeper look at the life you’ve lived as you plan your future years, consider the downloadable or book/cd edition of Life Map, Gaining Perspective on Your Life.

Today is yours.  Today is also mine.  Today belongs to each of us.  Every single day is ours to imagine, ours to create.  Of course, we say, we know that!  But, we don’t all act on the information.  It’s easy to procrastinate.  It’s easy to put things off to another day, allowing our inner vision to ... what, simply slip away? 

Every day is precious.  On average, we get about 285,000 days in our life.  Taking charge of our days begins with being present, being in the moment.  Taking charge of our days also requires action.  Creating our day means making those things we want to have happen actually happen. 

In our minds eye, we see the details of our life.  We know our vision, the big things and the small.  We know what we want in our lives.  The question, are we actually taking our mind’s eye image and putting it into practice?

Often, routine takes hold of our lives.  When that happens, however, we hand control of our lives over to habit.  Our mind races over the events of the day, getting the daily details right.  Often, rote habits and concerns fill our mind.  We’re worried because we didn’t call our Mom or we haven’t followed up on an insurance claim; it’s the daily mantra of activity and worry.  It becomes impossible to fit anything else into our today or our tomorrow.  Or so it seems.

Still, a year has passed since you had the idea for a book and you’ve done nothing.  While nothing happens in an instant, it’s also true that nothing will ever happen unless we do it.  Instead of writing a whole book, write your idea in five-hundred words or maybe a thousand.  Develop the idea while you are commuting.  You’ll be taking action on your vision and you’ll be changing the course of your day. 

What do you want in your daily life?  What do you wish for your daily life?  Are there practices you’ve meant to establish but they just haven’t happened?  Would you like to repair a relationship but “things” seem to get in the way?  Would you like to smile more?  What about telling those you love that you love them?  Did you tell them today?

To regain control of your everyday, begin my making note of what it is you’d like to add to your days.  Realistically, of course.  You aren’t forsaking family, work or friends.  Instead, you are making a list of the things you value for your daily life.  With that list, make plans for their inclusion.  That may mean changing routine habits, those habits that have been in place for how many years?  Take charge of old ways; own your day.

Is breaking a habit on your list?  Start by finding out how.  Whether by reading some of the Change in Your Life articles or another resource, learn how to change a habit.  Then, make a plan for the change.  Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time.  Remember that change will never happen if you don’t start.  How about making one small step towards change today?

Putting things off means we have fewer days to appreciate the fruits of our effort.
 
Now, we’re not talking about improbable grand drama.  If, for example, your mind’s eye sees sudden riches without a plan to get there, that is daydreaming.  We’re talking about reality, about the things of life where we can take action and see them happen.  If you see wealth in your life, what will you do to make that happen? 

Keep tabs on your inner vision, making certain it is included in your everyday, starting with today.

My mother confessed to me, one time in her later years, that she had always expected to be famous.  She didn’t know why she thought she’d be famous, but she was sure it would happen.  It didn’t.  At least, it didn’t happen in the sense she had anticipated, the media blitz, the front-page articles, the recognition.  It did happen, however, from the perspective that she was dearly loved by a large circle of family and friends.  She was famous amongst these dear ones for her enormous heart, her willingness to hear out the ramblings of another’s heart, her ability to give freely of herself for others.

We, each one of us, have specialness within.  Yes, each of us.  You have it.  I have it.  Your neighbor has it.  While we may not become famous in modern day terms, we can make an immense impact on our lives and on others’ lives.  But, it can’t happen from a kitchen chair.  It takes action, action on our part. 

To begin, we must listen to our heart.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say.  It does sound somewhat mystical, maybe a bit ethereal, but our heart is speaking to us all the time.  It can be hard to hear our heart because the rest of our life is so noisy.  We’ve got to work to pay the bills, buy our home or educate our children.  We need to care for our Mom or our failing friend and most certainly for our children.  It’s a noisy life loaded with tweets and beeps and rings. 

Just because life is noisy doesn’t mean your heart stops speaking.  It means you need to listen more carefully.  Some people’s hearts scream their message and they know from the get-go exactly what it is they need to do with their life.  That’s how we find so many talented dancers and singers on reality TV.  That’s how we get organizations like Mothers Against Drunk Driving – they were mad and created MADD.  Their hearts spoke and they followed.  That’s what Steve Jobs (Apple co-founder), Bill Gates (Microsoft co-founder) and Mark Zuckerberg (FaceBook founder) did, they followed their hearts. That’s what your favorite author did; they followed their heart and wrote.

Others of us don’t have quite such a loud heart.  We’re not driven to the dance floor, to creating a national organization, to founding a company or to writing a book.  That’s okay; many of us have a quieter heart.  But, is that true?  Is our heart quieter or have we not listened carefully enough?  Or, is it possible our quieter heart feels drummed out by the power of others around us?  

1. Pay close attention.  That sounds like sophomoric advice but we’ve already agreed, it’s a noisy fast-paced world.  Take notes during the day.  What were the positive, neutral and negative sensations you experience during the activities of your day?  Make this a habit.  Over time, our lives change.  Remember to note your changes over time.

2. When are you in flow?  Flow is the positive, energized time of complete absorption.  Think about the times when you are so engaged that you lose your sense of time or even sense of place.  Make note of those times.  Does it happen when you are helping a person?  Is it when you are teaching?  Is it when you are cooking?  What about gardening?  Perhaps it happens when you are creating or reading or writing.  Keep a log of the times when you are fully engaged.  Also, log the activities you don’t enjoy, the ones you can’t wait to have end.  These are two very different sensations. Your log will tell you much about what makes your heart zing.

Now, flow is not when you play computer games and time passes.  That’s more mind numbing than mind satisfying.  Instead, you are noticing the things that absorb you and make you feel satisfied, the things that bring a bit of a satisfied sigh or a bit of a smile or a simple nod to yourself, these are the things that define you, the things that help you feel most alive. 

3. Find ways to increase your flow experience.  With a month or so of logging your experience, you should have enough information.  As you review your experience, make special note of the activities and subjects that brought you positive experience.  These are the areas you’ll want to emphasize in your life.  Develop a list of all the activities associated with your positive, energized engagement.  Then, decide which of these many activities fold best into your life?  If teaching is your thing, there are many ways to experience teaching without even entering the classroom.  

Your goal is to find the things that make your heart zing.  That doesn’t mean your sister’s heart zing or your friend’s heart zing, just yours.  Don’t despair if what you are hearing from your heart isn’t what you expected.  Maybe it isn’t as creative as you’d like, perhaps it isn’t as outgoing as you expected.  Listen to your heart and then give its message a chance.  Happiness guru Gretchen Rubin tells of her longstanding unwillingness to pursue her interest in children’s books til, one day, she gave in and tried it out.  She discovered her heart was right, that she has a deep and satisfying interest in children’s books. 

Once you’ve identified the things that speak to you, find ways to make sure they are a part of your heart-zinging life!

 

Six years ago, Salman Khan – known to his family and friends as Sal – was an analyst for a hedge fund in Boston.  When his well-loved aunt living in New Orleans asked him to help her son, Sal’s cousin, with algebra, Sal did what every loving cousin would do, he agreed. 

But, how to manage the distance? A plugged-in young professional, Sal used YouTube.  In Boston, he videoed his tutorials in front of a blackboard so his young cousin could see the work on the blackboard while listening to his explanation.  Best of all, his young cousin could replay the tutorial til he understood each concept. 

Sal’s cousin’s algebra skills grew quickly.  Soon, his one cousin turned into several cousins.  And, since YouTube is YouTube, viewership began to expand beyond the family.  In no time, Sal was hearing from people all over the country, people who were using his videos and sending appreciative messages. 

At the start, most of the comments came from individuals.  It wasn’t long, however, til he began to hear from teachers who were assigning his videos as homework.  As he thought about it, Sal realized that each video he uploaded to YouTube was timeless.  Algebra is algebra, it isn’t going to change.  Sal quit his job and began his own not-for-profit organization, Khan Academy. 

Today, Khan Academy has uploaded 2,700 videos teaching students at every grade level from kindergarten to 12^th.  Each video is brief, just 12 to 20 minutes.  Subjects are broken into easily digested lessons – from basic arithmetic to vector analysis plus biology, chemistry, physics, history and even finance. 

Sal is the teacher for every one of these videos. He’s earned three degrees from MIT – a BS in mathematics, a BS in electrical engineering and computer science and an MS in electrical engineering and computer science – and an MBA from Harvard.

Every Khan Academy video is on YouTube.  Anyone in the world can learn from the lessons taught by Sal – at no cost.  Every single month, more than 1,000,000 students login and download videos, watching 100,000 to 200,000 videos every single day.  So far, he’s delivered more than 125,000,000 lessons!

So students can work at their own pace, Sal developed practice exercises.  In addition, Sal is working with a California school district to find ways they can incorporate the lessons into their curriculum.

Because the subjects taught are universal, Sal is working with other organizations to make his content available to people all over the world.  Bill Gates and his foundation are funding new work so that Sal’s work can reach all the parts of this world.

From helping a cousin with algebra to educating millions, Sal Khan has created an amazing tool that will change lives throughout our world.  Try it out now.  Or, have one of your children give it a whirl.  There’s nothing more soul-satisfying to a young person than doing homework on YouTube!

With so much thought given to the techniques and tools of change, it’s appropriate to wonder about our brain.  Is our brain up to a big change?  How will it respond if I decide to make a personal change?  Will it hold me back?

In the recent twenty years or so, scientists have learned that our brains are receptive to change no matter our age.  Scientists refer to it as neuroplasticity; brain plasticity is a bit easier.  Simply, brain plasticity means that the brain transforms new information and new experiences into synapse connections between neurons.  The result is a thriving brain.

It happens at every age.  Once thought to be a static entity, we now know that our brain keeps growing and changing throughout our life.  That means our brains are up to the task of making a personal change just as our brains are ready to learn a new subject.    

That’s why brain fitness products are suddenly flooding hit the market.  They’re tapping into the newfound information – that brains can grow and change at every age.

A quirky brain example is delivered by Dr. Pascale Michelon on SharpBrains.com.  London’s taxi drivers were found to have a larger hippocampus than their counterpart bus drivers.  The hippocampus is where complex spatial information is processed.  As it turns out, the taxi drivers must negotiate complex London’s streets while the bus drivers drive repetitive routes.  (Maguire, Woollett, & Spiers, 2006)

For most of history, we’ve known little about the human brain.  Today, scientists are gaining ground, discovering our brains willingness to take on a new idea or task at any time in our lives.

It took the Dean of Students in college to tell me about it.  I had a facial habit that hurt people’s feelings.  To my utter astonishment, my facial habits made me an open book.  A grimace awaited anyone whose suggestion or idea I didn’t like while a nod and smile was my ready response for those whose ideas or suggestions I did like.  As president of a student organization, this mattered.  I was hurting others.

We forget that we’re inside ourselves.  We don’t see what other people see.  We don’t have the experience of encountering ourselves on the street or at a family reunion or in a meeting.  Without saying one single word, everyone around us is receiving our silent messages. 

To begin, our face!  First, there is the automatic human response.  We recognize a look of surprise just as easily as we recognize a look of fear or anger.  All humans have facial expressions that represent their current condition – these expressions happen automatically.  We do not consciously say to our brain or our face, show that I'm surprised.  No, it's human to show surprise.

We also develop our own individual set of facial muscle habits.  These reflect our own unique response to our life experience; they are the result of years of practice.  These, too, have become automatic; they have become habits.  Our facial muscles offer our personal response to what is happening around us. 

Many of us like to think we have a poker face, that no one can read our thoughts or feelings.  Often, that’s not true.  Whether it’s a raised eyebrow, a quick frown, a wink or a nod, it’s likely we have long-held expressions that speak to others. You might ask yourself what your facial expressions are saying about you.  Are your expressions showing the message you intend? 

Our posture and the way we walk are also communicators.  How many times have you heard someone say, “she stands tall” or “he holds his head high”? Rounded shoulders and a slouch are visual cues for a lack of confidence or laziness while standing straight with one’s head up are received as indicators of confidence and energy. 

Mannerisms and gestures are communicators, telling others what’s on your mind.  We’ve long known that folded arms send a closed message while arms at our side send an open message.  What else?  Twisting hair, frequent facial touches and wringing hands may reflect angst.  A high-five is a mutually positive gesture.

Many people speak with their hands and body.  It adds to the expressive quality of their words.  Saying “no” emphatically while strongly pointing your finger makes the sentence more powerful.  A shrug of the shoulders indicates a lack of knowledge, a lack of interest or meekness. 

Even in this day of relaxed attire, our clothing, hair care and personal care send messages.  Casual can be casual and positive.  On the other hand, wrinkled and unclean is rarely positive.  While old rules have been sent packing, when it’s a situation you value, consider your appearance.

Much is written about the first impression rule.  Some say it happens in three seconds, others insist it happens in a fraction of one second, still others say it takes seven seconds.  Whichever it is, we each make a lasting impression during the first few seconds of a meeting.  Rarely do these impressions change over time.  If you think it’s an important meeting, be aware of the silent messages you are sending.

Gender makes a difference in nonverbal communication.  Men will often reveal less emotional information.  In a business setting, that can be positive.  In a personal setting, however, that may have a negative impact.  Women, on the other hand, will generally maintain less physical distance and make more eye contact.  In a business setting, that may not always be positive while in a personal setting it likely will be positive.

Using similar posture positions, mannerisms and conversational style may enhance the positive quality of an encounter.  For example, some career advisors suggest using similar seated positions and gestures in a job interview.  The purpose is not to mimic the interviewer but to establish a connection.  Leaning in towards another is positive unless you are invading their space at which point, it becomes negative.

It all fits together.  Your silent messages are many.  Your face, your posture, your gestures, mannerisms and appearance are all sending messages about you.  Taken individually, each sends a message.  When combined, these traits and habits send a louder message.  Will others read the messages you are sending as confident? As trustworthy? As smart? As happy? As depressed? As anxious? As lazy?  As energetic?  You are sending the messages.  Be sure they represent you.

Why do you care about your silent messages?  Hopefully, your nonverbal communications are sending the messages you intend.  In college, I was not sending my intended message.  To make sure I changed, I drew a funny image as a reminder and kept it in front of me at every meeting.  Awareness is everything.  Simply stay alert to the messages you silently send to others, making certain they are the messages you intend.  

Have you tried to make a personal change but you just can’t make it happen?  Maybe you’ve started a diet repeatedly.  Or, is it exercise?  You’re great at the launch but a week later, you’ve already broken your workout promises.  Perhaps it’s that nagging habit you want to break. 

You’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work.  Your intentions are great at the start but you just can’t make it happen over time and that makes you feel like a failure.  In fact, you’ve kind of written the change thing off altogether.

It turns out there are reasons.  To begin, there’s much more to making a change than just deciding to make a change.  It’s a process not a moment in time.  The good news is that social scientists have been researching change over the past few decades and they’ve learned a lot about what does and doesn’t work.

Now, before we go much further, let me explain that there are several articles in this Personal Change series.  Why?  Because change is personal.  Change starts with a process.  The process is the same for all that changes – it’s called The Stages of Change.  That’s the subject for this article – it’s the cornerstone of change because the stages remain the same.  You can customize your change when choosing the tactics you use during each stage.

The methods you decide to use at each stage of the process, allow you to personalize your change.   At each stage, you’ll use the change tactics that speak to you and only you.  What works for one person, may or may not work for another. 

Take words as an example.  Some of us need words that define our limits.  One group of dieters, for example, may want a mental limit such as “I’ll never ever eat red meat again.”  Other dieters may dislike the confinement they feel in the words never ever.  They may find “I plan to skip red meat this week” more motivating.  When making a personal change, it’s important to listen to your head and your heart.  Your success is in the details and how those details speak to you.

Before we get to the techniques of change, however, we’ll look at the process, at The Stages of Change.  You’ll find the tips, strategies and techniques of change in these articles: How To Reach Your Goal With If-Then Planning, Making Change Happen In The Real World and Fifteen-Minute Wins.

Six Stages of Change

Perhaps the biggest surprise about change is that it doesn’t happen instantly.  We’ve learned to think that we’ll start our diet, quit smoking or begin exercising and with a good dose of self-discipline we’ll tough it out and make it happen.  Then, when we’re not successful, we think we’re weak, that we don’t have the will power to get the job done.  

Well, it doesn’t work that way.  Social scientist James Prochaska unearthed something amazing in his research, that there are six stages in the change process.  Now, this is not based on a small research sample.  No, over the years, Prochaska tested his stages of change model on more than 120,000 people! 

So, let’s get to it and take a look at the six stages of change. 

Precontemplation Stage.  At this point, we haven’t begun to think about change; it’s just not on our radar.  For loads of reasons, we’re not yet ready or willing to consider making a change. 

It may be that our soon-to-be-desired change simply hasn’t occurred to us.  Visualize a new Mom.  She is so focused on caring for her child that she literally loses sight of the fact that she’s still carrying her baby weight and she’s still wearing maternity clothes.  She’s so lost in her new responsibilities that self-care has not yet occurred to her.

On the other hand, if we have a health-threatening habit, we may be confronting something deeper.  It could be we’re in denial.  Has that glass of wine with dinner grown to a bottle of wine?  Possibly, we’ve grown weary of the raised eyebrows as we light another cigarette.  Instead, we raise a defensive barrier to change. 

Or, we may refer to our habit as a choice, as a preference; we don’t see it as a problem.  Worse yet, we may have given up altogether. 

There are many reasons for change to remain off the table.

Contemplation Stage.  Here, we become aware of the possibility of change though we’re not yet ready to take action.  In Contemplation, we consider the pros and the cons to change. 

Contemplation is the perfect time to take a hard look at the difficulties you’ll face.  Then, you’ll balance the hard part with the good, with your expected outcome.  It’s a time to be inventive, to see you in a totally new light.  It may be a time to change your vocabulary about yourself or your habit.

Contemplators ask themselves about the barriers, about all the things what will make the change hard.  “I have a house filled with hungry teen-agers, how will I ever diet?”  “I’m stuck at my computer for hours at a time, how will I ever get some exercise?” 

Contemplators are graphic.  They visualize all the little details that will make change so hard.  “But, I’m a party person, how will I ever be able to party without drugs or a drink or a cigarette?”  “Besides, what will my friends say?  How will they act?”

Contemplators also visualize the benefits of their proposed change.  My teen-agers will think I’m so cool when I’m wearing my new size.  Besides, they’ll have learned from me about making a hard choice and sticking to a plan.  Or.  I can see me with a different group of friends.  I already know them and they, too, have fun.  I see them at parties and on the tennis court.  And, they don’t do drugs.  

Contemplation is the perfect time to play change out in your mind.  It’s a time to do some research, looking for new solutions, the ones that are right just for you.  You’ll see yourself in different scenes taking different approaches to change.  Now is the time to find the change ideas that will work for you. 

Contemplation is an important part of the change process.  Don’t hurry it. 

There are, however, a couple of cautions for the Contemplation Stage.  It’s possible to get stuck in this stage.  Some among us can make Contemplation a chronic condition. 

Another Contemplation Stage trap is to wait for the perfect moment before taking the next step – but that moment never arrives.  Perfect rarely happens; sometimes a plunge into the next stage is all we can do. 

On the other hand, don’t rush this stage; it’s an important part of your change process. 

Preparation Stage.  We’re now at the brink of action but, first, it’s time to plan!  In the Preparation Stage, we’re fully focused on getting ready for our future.  We’ve made the decision; it is now time to construct the future for our changed self.  It is now time to make our very detailed plan.

In preparation, we plan to confront the barriers we uncovered in the Contemplation Stage.  Plan how you will handle each barrier to your success.  For example, plan what will you say or do when people encourage you to go back to your old habit, when they ply you with “just one drink” or “it’s only one slice of cake”.

Remember that your family and friends know the “old” you, the person before the change.  They are accustomed to sharing that extra desert with you or skipping the workout in favor of watching a game.  Your change may alter your relationship.  In fact, your change may create anxiety in others because they may feel it means they need to change and they don’t feel ready.  They may be in the Precontemplation Stage. 

In preparation, we even test the waters making a few trial runs at our proposed change.  That’s how you’ll get a sense of what it feels like.  With a rehearsal or two, you’ll be able to test the tactics, strategies and techniques you are planning.

Action Stage.  You’ve contemplated and you’ve planned.  You even named your start date and it has arrived.  It’s time to put your plan into action.  This is a bit scary.  You are stepping into the unknown.  Congratulate yourself all the way along this road; you are seeing a new future for yourself.  That is powerful. 

You may find you feel a big anxious about the unknown.  Be sure you are well rested; also, fold in a lot of anxiety-reducing exercise.  Enjoy the fruits of your change – remember those?  All the way back in your Contemplation Stage, you’d figured out all the good things that would happen when you made your change.  Is your family a happier, closer unit now that you aren’t drinking?  Or, are you in the shops finding new clothes for your svelte figure? 

Maintenance Stage.  It’s new and anything new takes practice.  You may find yourself feeling discouraged because some days are harder than you imagined.  What did you plan for those times?  Most certainly, look at what you’ve accomplished and give yourself credit.  Coach your way back to your plan remembering that old adage, “this, too, shall pass.”  You’ve come a long way, don’t give up the ground you’ve gained.

Recycling.   That social scientist, James Prochaska, who discovered these Six Stages of Change, is pretty fabulous in his wording.  Many people would call this stage preparing for a relapse, but not Prochaska.  He calls it Recycling.  Here, you take the lessons learned in your success.  Should you relapse, you can use what you’ve learned to make your change finally and successfully.

These, then, are the Six Stages of Change.  There are many approaches to each stage giving you the opportunity to customize your change plan to fit your personal preferences and style.

For more on Stages of Change,  Prochaska’s book is very readable; it is Changing For Good, A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program For Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward.