In life, attitude is everything.  Attitude decides whether we greet the day with joy or with the blahs.  Attitude decides how our family, our friends, our boss and our coworkers perceive us.

It is not the result of circumstance.  It is not genetically predetermined.  Attitude is in our control, we are in charge of our attitude.  Attitude is a choice we make all day, every day.  Attitude is not a habit though attitude can become habit.

It was late afternoon on the first Sunday in December.  I was on my way home from one party with another still to go.  My throat was sore and I was tired.  Mentally, I was debating whether to go.  It would be so easy to slip into something cozy and veg.  Instead, I adjusted my attitude and reminded myself, head up, stand tall, smile, remember your three conversation starters.

It was a life-altering evening!  That evening I met the couple who introduced me to the love of my life.  I would never have known what I missed if I was cozily sitting at home.  I’d never have met my Don.  Just as important, would they have introduced me to their friend if I’d spoken of my sleepiness and sore throat?  Not likely.  Instead, I used the same conversation starters I’d prepared for the earlier party.  My attitude was upbeat, my smile was genuine.

Attitude makes an immense difference in everything we do.  Attitude and the willingness to find out what’s around the next corner. 

Do you remember Mattie Stepanek?  He was wise, he was inspiring and he lived his life fully.  His poetry moved millions.  Sadly, muscular dystrophy took him just before his 14^th birthday.  His disease was tough but his attitude was uplifting.  It was his choice.

Changing one’s attitude is not faking it.  Changing one’s attitude is deciding how we want to live our life and then making it happen.  As Maya Angelou so wisely said, “If you don’t like something, change it.  If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”

This is the corollary to give the gift of you.  Sometimes we give to others; other times, we receive.  Many of us shy away from the receiving side of the coin.  We’re better at giving than receiving.  We learned it at a young age, it’s better to give than to receive.  If that is you, it’s important to learn to receive with warmth and graciousness.

Receiving can sometimes feel like losing control.  You are a practiced giver.  Besides, you are strong and can fend for yourself; it’s what you do.  To receive means to step back and appreciate another person’s thoughtfulness.

Picture a well-travelled, super independent 80-year old woman.  She’s travelled with her family to her grandson’s college graduation.  Finally, they arrive at the hotel.  She leaps out of the car to hug her grandson who awaited her arrival.  She then allows that grandson the privilege of bringing her suitcase into the hotel.  She could have managed her suitcase; she knows it and her grandson knows it.  Instead, however, her grandson feels good being able to do a tiny thing for her.  She allows that with warmth and grace, making it a special moment between them.

We can receive thoughtfulness in many forms.  There are compliments or the lending of a hand; there is the delivery of a meal while you are ill or a pile of condolence cards following the loss of a loved one.

Receive a compliment with a smile and a thank you.  We’re not talking about platitudes.  Here, we are speaking of genuine compliments where someone has noticed something specific about you.  Your hair is lovely.  You have a terrific smile.  Your speech inspired me. 

Don’t brush a compliment off.  They aren’t commitments; rather, they are a thoughtful gesture.  Acknowledge the person who made the compliment with a warm smile and a thank you. 

Receive thoughtful assistance with warmth.  Yes, you are capable.  Thoughtful help is not meant to diminish you.  It’s a given that you are capable.  Instead, assistance is a thoughtful gesture from another.  It might be a meal delivered while you are doing chemo or an offer to shovel the snow from your front walk – one person doing for another.

Jen landed the job of her dreams.  She can’t believe she did it but she did.  The only thing standing in the way of Jen and her amazing opportunity is a thousand miles.  That’s right, her job is in Atlanta and she lives in Denver. 

Jen’s not worried, she’ll just fly home a lot.  Besides, won’t everyone want to come visit her?  What a surprise to discover that not everyone is in her corner. 

Jen’s adventurous grandmother is just as excited as Jen and tells her to go for it.

Jen’s favorite aunt starts weeping while telling Jen how lonely she’ll be.  Why would you move so far from home, you’ll hate it, she tells Jen. 

Jen’s Mom and Dad are bursting with pride.  After all, it recognizes just how talented their daughter is.

Jen’s best friend is sort of happy.  She knows it’s right for Jen but she’s going to miss her terribly.

Jen’s co-worker immediately criticizes Jen’s new company and belittles the job Jen has accepted.  Jen’s co-worker even goes viral with these comments.

Jen’s current boss is happy and proud for Jen but she keeps wondering how she’ll ever replace her.

That’s a lot of reaction to one person’s decision to take a new job.  With that many reactions, it’s easy to begin to question the decision.  That’s why it is important to consider the source of each comment.

Each of the comments reflects the individual’s perspective.  The grandmother’s love for Jen is greater than her personal desire to have Jen close to home.  Conversely, Jen’s aunt is unable to get beyond her own emotions.  Perhaps the aunt made a long ago choice to stay near home and thinks everyone should do the same.  Whatever the reason, personal emotions are coloring Jen’s aunt’s reaction.  The same holds true for Jen’s co-worker whose emotion may be envy. 

As the recipient of advice or counsel, we must each be sure we consider the perspective from which the other speaks.  Is there something that is coloring their view?  Do they have an ulterior motive for the thought or advice they are sharing? 

Each of us sees the world from our own perspective.  It’s our personal mental set.  Often, that colors the advice or opinions we give to others.  We don’t set out to misadvise.  Rather, we share our vision, how we see the world.

Equally important, when a person tells you that they have your best interests at heart, be certain you consider that person’s underlying biases and perspective. 

Input from others can be useful.  On the other hand, we are each in charge of our lives.  It is our opinion that must be the final world.

Take a moment to recall.  How do you feel when you get an unexpected but loving text from someone?  What about an email, a phone call, even a card in the mail? 

What does it feel like when your son or your friend offers to lend a hand?  You didn’t have to ask, they offered.

When we stop to think about it, we realize that it feels nice.  We don’t always stop and consider but when we do, we know that it feels good when people are thoughtful of us.

The same is true when we are considerate of others.  They feel good.  We make them feel good by giving them a phone call or sending a note or offering to lend a hand. 

A small investment of time can be meaningful.  A phone call or a text takes only a few minutes.  Stopping by or lending a hand may take a bit more time but not a lot more time.

Give the gift of yourself in your own special ways.  Did you bake today?  Perhaps your invalid neighbor or your recently divorced friend would like a cookie.  Just drop them by with a smile and then be on your way.  Do you collect jokes?  Share a few of your most recent jokes as a gift of you to another person.

It’s so very simple to remain in touch, to say a quick hi.  In our modern world, it might be as simple as an ecard.  Even better, drop a post card in the mail.

For those older people or sick people in your life, a call or a brief visit will raise their spirits.  Simple human touch leaves the person who’s been visited refreshed in a more lasting way.

Best of all, your thoughtfulness of others reaps benefits for you as well.  Research shows that our personal sense of well-being grows when we make an effort on another’s behalf.

It’s tornado season.  It’s only March but this year, tornado season started early.  A sudden swooshing wind wiped whole towns away.  We see it on the news, those poor people standing in front of a pile of rubble that used to be their home.  The home where they laughed and cried, had memories and made memories.  That home is no more. 

The very next week, many of those whose homes blew away will be back doing what they do.  Some will return to school, others will return to work.  They’ll rebuild or they won’t.  There will be another home but it will never be the same.  The memories that came before the tornado will become oral stories because the wind shredded their images and mementos.    

Their lives are changed, they’ll never feel quite the same; but they will carry on.  That is what we do, we carry courageously on.  At some point, once they’re settled in another home, life will return to a semblance of normal.  It won’t be the same normal, it will be a new normal.  They will each have faced grave danger and the ravages of nature.  Their resilience will kick-in and each will courageously find their own new normal.  They will return to laughter and tears as they create new memories.

We each face challenges in life.  Sometimes they are the big challenges like having your home blown off the face of the earth or job loss or cancer or the loss of someone we love.  We endure; we stand tall and manage through with inner fortitude.  Each day, we take small steps til one day we realize we’re doing okay.

We also face those mid-level challenges, the stuff than can be with us every day, demanding our attention.  It may be we have a secure job but we don’t like it.  Or, we’re worried about our children as we wonder whether it’s a phase or something else.  Mid-level challenges can be wearying.

We also face the challenge of living in our crazy, wonderful world.  Our world is busy and demanding.  Headline news shouts for our attention while the pace can feel somewhat frenzied, that life is racing right by.

Fortunately, we don’t all have our biggest challenges at the same time.  We can be there for those who are confronted with something big and they, in turn, can be there for us when we are the challenged.    

It’s a balance.  Sometimes we have big challenges.  Other times life can feel like a breeze.  It’s our resiliency, our willingness to stay the course that gets us through.  We are resilient as individuals, as families, as communities and as a nation.  We stand tall and follow our personal path. 

Persistence and resilience come in many styles.  We each bring our unique ways, stamping our tenacity and resilience with our individual hallmarks.  Instead of resilience, however I like to think of it as everyday courage, that we each practice our unique form of daily courage.

Everyday courage might be the act of getting up in the morning after losing a loved one or even a job.  It might require even more courage to face the day after that and the day after that. 

Everyday courage might be the act of forgiveness.  It might be hearing your children differently.  It might even be sharing a personal something you’ve long held in your heart. 

Everyday courage is alive and well; it is a part of the human way.

Quotes are wisdom gained from others.  Some of the quotes below are current, from people living today; others come from voices of the past.  We’ll add quotes at the start of every month.  Be sure to come back for new words of wisdom.

Absorb what is useful, discard what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.  Bruce Lee

We all live with the same objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.  Anne Frank

If one does not master one's circumcstances, then one is bound to be mastered by them. Amor Towles

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself.  Aloud.  Coco Chanel

Succss is not final; failure is not final.  It is the courage to go on that counts.  Winston Churchill

Life is a sum game of all your choices.  Albert Camus

Don't walk ahead of me, I may not follow.  Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.  Just walk beside me and be my friend.  Albert Camus

Friends are the flowers in the garden of life.  Unknown

The heart that gives, gathers.  Hannah More

It is truly said, it does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide what to do. Chow Ching

A question’s power may not lie in the answer; rather, it may lie in the process of reaching an answer.  Unknown

Choose wisdom over fear, doubt or anger.  Unknown

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.  Chinese Proverb

May you get what you want and want what you get.  Gypsy Proverb often used by Don Baiocchi

Our years teach us much which the days never know.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.  Winston Churchill

Surviving is important.  Thriving is elegant.  Maya Angelou

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same.  Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.  Don Williams, Jr.

Thinking forward makes it so much easier.  Whether you’ll be leading a meeting at work, making a proposal at your local club, toasting a friend on their birthday or making new social acquaintances, anticipating your needs helps make the things you do successful. 

Preparing ahead means you’ve had the important talks with your children before they encounter the unexpected.  Preparing ahead helps you avoid a hostile or unreceptive audience, it keeps you from speaking but not saying the things you wanted to say, it helps you dodge mistakes. 

When you prepare ahead, you’ll get to shape your message or action in ways that gets you to your intended results.  When you prepare ahead, you’ll ask yourself lots of questions.  What is the purpose of the meeting and how can we make that happen while using the attendees time most efficiently?  Why is my proposal good for my local club, what needs of theirs does it meet?  It’s my friend’s birthday and I want to be certain he knows how very special he is, what can I say that will be most meaningful?

It doesn’t take much time.  It’s mostly mental planning.  As you’re preparing mentally, though, you may find you’ll need more information or you may need to gather early support for your idea or plan.  When planning ahead, you may decide to send a detailed agenda or you may seek advice or ideas from other parents who’ve already offered similar guidance to their children. 

Think about the people or organizations for which you are preparing.  What do you know about them?  What might be of interest to them?  What might be of mutual interest?  Recall or imagine meeting the parents of your child’s fiancé!  While conversation is sure to flow, it’s nice to have thought ahead, to have a few quips or stories that could initiate that flow.

In anticipation of the blind date with the man I married, I thought ahead.  It was New Years’ Eve blind date!  I knew I’d need to be prepared to keep us going til midnight without terrible, embarrassing silent moments.  I prayed he liked to dance; you can dance without a lot of conversation.  I thought about subjects – our life histories, favorite trips, books and movies.  That seemed enough to get us through.  As it turned out, we never stopped talking but if that hadn’t been the case, I was prepared.

It turns out that Ronald Reagan and my Uncle Lee had preparation in common.  Both kept quotes, jokes, stories and ideas on index cards, preparing for their perfect use.  Reagan used these to add spice and interest to his speeches.  My Uncle Lee used his storehouse of stories and jokes to add flavor to the history classes he taught and zest to his writing and conversations.  Preparation was a hallmark for both men.

15-minute wins can be a metaphor for the small daily and weekly wins we make in our lives.

Whenever the task before you seems too big, break it into small, bite-size chunks.  It’s much easier to accomplish small things.  We actually feel in control of small efforts while large undertakings can feel daunting.  The surprising result of small accomplishments?  When added together, small successes can result in big wins.

After decades as a smoker, I decided to quit.  My first attempts were disastrous; I’d eat everything in sight and, at the slightest provocation, light a cigarette.  With each attempt, I gained a few pounds and, in the end, still smoked.  What a failure!

The more I failed, the more I thought about the fact that I liked smoking; I identified myself as a smoker. It turned out that “quitting forever” was too big for me to imagine.  What’s a smoker to do if forever seems impossible?  That’s easy, skip the ‘forever’ part.

Here, then, is the challenge I presented myself: try being a smoker who doesn’t happen to smoke for the next fifteen minutes.  I learned that fifteen minutes was easy which is why I did it for another fifteen.  Fifteen minutes at a time, congratulating myself all the way, I got to an hour, a day, a week and, remarkably enough, more than twenty years!  While it’s now rare for me to think of smoking, in my heart I know I’m a smoker who hasn’t smoked for the past fifteen minutes.  It would never have happened if I’d thought of it as forever. 

How many things in your life seem too big to handle?  Diminish their enormity by pulling them apart and breaking them into tiny efforts, small steps you can accomplish.  .  

Aside from breaking a big task into tiny segments, getting to your win becomes more likely when you change the wording.  “Quit”, “forever”, “never”, even “ex-smoker” were words I eliminated from my thinking.  Instead, I used words of acceptance allowing me to think of myself as a smoker who didn’t happen to smoke right now.  I used congratulatory words.  Rephrase your big task in words that express small efforts.

There are other ways to use fifteen-minute wins.  Are you a nervous flyer?  Think of something you love doing that takes about the same amount of time as the flight and then, during the flight, replay that favorite something.  Whether it’s a rerun of your best tennis win, creating a gourmet meal or playing with your child, play it out during the flight.  For the moments when your angst overshadows your mental video, rerun the mental video in fifteen-minute segments – soon you’ll reach your destination.

My friend, Betty, adapted fifteen-minute wins during some of her more daunting cancer treatments.  When a whole day seemed too much, we agreed she could skip the whole day concept.  Her mantra became, “making it to lunch.”

Breaking just about anything into segments you can manage makes most things possible.

Everyday we make choices and those choices can influence our lives.

Often, we make choices without even thinking.  We then repeat our choices, making the same choice so often that it becomes a habit, an automatic habit of choice. 

We decide what to wear, regularly choosing our favorites.  Breakfast is often a habitual decision whether it’s eggs or cereal or something else altogether.

Some of us choose to greet the day with a smile, even a crooked and sleepy smile. Others of us slip into a sleepy frown or a grouchy remark.  Every choice we make changes our day.  Every choice we make changes how people act around us.  We can choose to stand tall or we can round our shoulders and close others out.

Writer, Laura Munson’s husband of almost twenty years took her by surprise one day when he announced that he didn’t love her, that he might never have loved her, that he needed to move out immediately.  To her surprise, she took a breath and allowed a bit of calm to enter her heart and her head.  That split second of calm changed everything.  Her improbable reply was simply, “I don’t buy it.”

A bit of background.  Our writer knew her husband was experiencing the debilitating self-doubt that comes from a precipitous mid-life change in career success.  She knew, she understood, she was well acquainted with the frustration of an unfulfilled career – she’d already gotten beyond that.

The split second she took allowed Munson to make a choice, to respond from her head and not from the passion she felt in her heart.  That split second, that choice, prevented the argument that would surely have put them on the path to divorce.  That split second and the choice she made caused her husband to stop a moment because he wasn’t hearing the dialog he’d played out in his head.

Our writer followed her “I don’t buy it.” with “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?” Over the ensuing days, Laura Munson repeated these two sentences, choosing not to fall prey to passion or fury.  Though not immediate, the happy outcome of the choice she made is a stronger marriage with deeper communication and intimacy.   For a fuller and more thoughtful telling of her story, read Laura Munson’s memoir This Is Not The Story You Think It Is, A Season of Unlikely Happiness.  Here’s the link to her website.

When a surprise, a challenge, maybe even a negative experience arises in life, choosing a moment of calm can change the outcome.  It takes practice and it most certainly requires choice. 

Try it out.  See how it works.  You might even start a new habit, a new way of making choices.  Until recently, I lived in Chicago where aggressive driving is an art form.  Invariably, I’d get a flash of anger when cut-off by another driver – especially the driver of a big, black SUV oblivious to all, talking on their phone.  That anger would change my day until I chose to change my thinking.  Other people’s driving habits are not about me, they’re about the other person.  Now I take a breath, calm my mind, maybe even smile and think about – well, you name it.  Sometimes I try to remember a joke, sometimes I think about a grandchild.  Whatever gets your mind to a place of your choosing.  It’s how I keep my day the way I choose, and not the product of some other person’s irritating actions.

Other thoughts on choice
Practice is what makes choice an art.  Ooops, you reacted rather than chose?  It’s practice, repetition, the development of a habit that can make the difference.  We can consciously choose to make our daily experience meaningful, satisfying or whatever descriptor fits you.

Victims of circumstance make a choice.  They choose to let circumstance control their life.  Sad, angry, ugly and painful things happen.  Rather than letting them control our destiny, we can begin again by choosing to create the mental energy, the mindset.  It starts with choice. 

One of the interesting experiments I’ve carried on for decades is to smile when walking into a room of people, into a store, into a meeting.  Not a big grin; rather, a warm smile. I stand erect and make sure I appear to be confident and warm.  It changes how people receive you. Choosing a positive expression can change not just your day but also the daily experience of those whom you encounter.

Each day we add to our personal wisdom.  We crawl before we walk, we learn our abc’s before we read, we even gestate for nine months before we are born.  Many of our greatest life achievements are the result of little steps.  A step at a time, one foot in front of the other as we learn the ways of life.

Sometimes we rail against the process.  We want to be a terrific guitarist but it’s taking so much time.  We just want to lose the twenty pounds – right now!  We want to move into our perfect home, but saving that down payment is getting in the way.  Whether it’s planning your wedding or your retirement, every small step you take helps you shape the result.  To ease the path, be sure to celebrate every successful small step.  Think of each as a tiny win; together, they become big wins.

A philosopher once said, “He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.  One cannot fly into flying.”

Rarely does life change miraculously; solutions don’t just show up on your doorstep.  You’re not going to get a job or a promotion unless you work at it.  Life is a process, a step-by-step, baby step process.

Imagine you’ve just learned that your Mom has Alzheimer’s – you are heartbroken and you feel overwhelmed.  The weight of this reality, that nothing will make her better, has rocked your world.  How, you wonder, will you be able to get her through this?  For that matter, how will you ever get through it?

Pull it apart, start to see it as a group of smaller issues, each requiring attention.  Her drug treatment, her medical team, where she’ll be treated, her care-givers, her finances, even noticing her most alert times so visits can be arranged – each is an important part of the big picture. Look at each aspect separately.  Using baby steps you'll create a successful plan for your Mom.

Tackling each issue separately allows you to make good decisions, one at a time.  Plus, you may be able to share the load, asking family members or friends to take on one aspect of the overall plan.  Nothing will change the fact of your Mom’s illness.  Using a step-by-step process will ensure she’ll have the best care and that you’re also caring for yourself.  

Our achievements are not the result of a big bang.  Life doesn’t happen all at once.  Our lives evolve and change over the years.  We use the wisdom we’ve gained to shape each new chapter in our life.